That Ringing in Your Ears

At your average Page 3 party,for instance,you can be sure that the two people standing at the opposite ends of the room will inevitably share the same surname. You can also take for granted that the man and woman engaged in a verbal duel unto death are also Mr-and-Mrs. And never ever get in the way of a couple that is exchanging hostile stares. Looks can actually kill. The reasons for this range from the compelling an Other person in the equation to the drearily predictable controlling mothers-in-law. Nine out of 10 times its about money and who has the controlling interest. Id like to say that Im less than concerned with whatever causes the rift,but unfortunately it does become my problem when the hostility spills over.

Most of my evenings are now spent with couples at war,walking on eggshells,never knowing when youll find yourself in the midst of a snappy conversation that goes roughly like this: Wife: Dont you hate it when some people snore? Husband: People who nag should be shot. They might think theyre within the bounds of good manners because they arent visibly arguing,but no one is a fool. The battle is on,and if you get caught in the crossfire,youre going down.

Whatever happened to the good old days when you were encouraged to sweep everything under the carpet in the name of socially acceptable behaviour? I mean,nothing good has ever come of discussing anything,and frankly,words just add up to an argument. This ridiculous,rather American idea of talking-as-healing,just ends up with people airing their dirty linen in public. And its gotten so bad that you are now roped in to hold the damn washing line. Relentlessly talkative friends looking to get themselves healed ought to be brought up to speed on TMI Too Much Information,and its ability to vaporise affection.

Perhaps that is the problem with marriage: People staying together. After all,if you are forced to parrot banalities like,Were staying together for the sake of the children, then you deserve to be separated. Simply because thats the conjugal version of the dog-ate-my-homework excuse in terms of triteness.

Now,Im not recommending divorce. Trust me,its not fun,and it inevitably turns bitter. But I do think the institution of marriage needs to be shaken up. It can no longer be based on social obligation,with most couples conveniently forgetting bits from the rest of the contract. Such as: Thou shalt not bicker in public. But what else can you expect from a convention thats popularised for the wrong reasons. Most women want that ring on their finger because they want to dress like brides at their dream wedding forgetting all about the ever after. And men,lets be honest,say I do for the sex-on-tap.

This lack of better judgement,combined with acute short-sightedness,has led to the free-for-all that marriage has turned into. I often suspect that disaffected couples actually need viewers for vindication; using them as a captive audience for their sitcom in moments of public discord and judging whos right or wrong,from their reactions.

I refuse to be part of the audience-turned-jury. So Ill avoid those bickering couples,and Ill refuse to be taken in by those who are happily married. Their joy might blind me to the truth: Nothing ruins a marriage more than a wedding. No arguments about that.

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