Talking to teenagers: Instead of saying a flat ‘no’, try doing these things

No, you cannot stay up late.
No, you cannot watch Game of Thrones.
No you cannot drink beer.
No you can’t go out for a late night party.
No you cannot drive the car to your friend’s place.

No, you cannot. No you cannot. No you cannot.

From a child’s perspective, especially during teenage, life can often feel like navigating a sea of ‘NO’s. And this is where usually the rocky relationship between teens and parents hits a stumbling block. You have to say ‘no’. And they don’t understand why.

But have you ever considered sharing a reason for your ‘no’? And why might that help? There are two reasons for that. First, very often we as parents realise that our no doesn’t always have a solid reason. We are often so hard wired to say no, we don’t take enough time to consider whether it is really necessary. For example, we might want our teenager to study but does it have to be in the mornings? Could we say ‘yes’ to them staying up late as long as they use it for useful purposes. Sometimes we end up arguing about things that don’t matter in the longer run. We want the child to study but what do we argue about — the time when this study should happen. So often thinking of the reason behind our no might reduce the number of ‘no’s we throw at our children.

Secondly, teenagers like to understand stuff even if they can’t fully comprehend it. At teenbook.in that’s the approach we take to move teenagers away from risky behaviour without saying out a flat out no. When they ask us why can’t I have a beer, we say well you sure can but have you considered why you are told not to? You may think of it as a prenatal whim but drinking beer or any other alcohol comes with certain consequences that one must be aware of and be capable of dealing with. And yes, it applies to adults, too. All adults must be aware and be capable of dealing with consequences of drinking alcohol. Share the reason and share stories from your experiences that help your teen understand what these consequences can really be.

Reasoning and storytelling works far better on a teenage mind than discipline. A teenage mind is driven by hormones. Adulthood craves the need to be independent in action and thought. Successful teenage parenting is one that works on shaping this independence through reason, sharing of experience and having conversations. Once this concept of freedom and responsibilities is understood, there is little need for micro-parenting.

Your teenagers will be able to make better decisions for themselves and you will be able to enjoy more peaceful parenting. So go ahead and tell them why they can’t have beer or watch Game of Thrones. And if you find it difficult or not quite equipped to answer these questions, take help of online resources that help parents explain tricky stuff to their children in an easy, fun and engaging manner.

(The writer is a senior rights activist and founder of TeenBook.)

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