Opinion The match that might be

And because we have absolutely no idea — despite Kapil Dev’s exhortations to get one — about the outcome of either the game or the meeting,we need the services of a superhuman intelligence. Alas,Sherlock Holmes is unavoidably detained in London,tracking down a suicide serial killer (you read right). So.

So,suffice it to say,that all the Pakistani cricketers and commentators predicted a Pakistan win and the Indians a Pakistan loss. The Indian prime minister’s masterly gambit to divert crazed fans on both sides of the border from a high-pitched ball,sorry build-up,to the “kaante ki takkar” by inviting his Pakistani counterpart,worked to the extent that more than Dhoni’s helicopter shot,TV news has been discussing the helicopter security cover for the stadium.

Otherwise,news TV has been possessed by the spirit of cricket,unleashing the most (un)holy patriotism,with havans,prayers,and so on,none of which had anything to do with the game (Aaj Tak).

More interesting was to watch cricketers we hadn’t seen for so long,we had ceased to recognise them. Was that Inzamam-ul-Haq with a beard almost as dazzling as the shots he used to play (Aaj Tak)? And was that bowler Sikander Bakht,once a gangly youth who didn’t know what to do with his arms except to turn them over,now filled out and looking like a prosperous businessman (Times Now/Neo)?

Javed Miandad’s hair,meanwhile,has gone blacker with age,so he’s looking younger than he did when he carted Chetan Sharma for a six at Sharjah in 1986.

Finally,there’s the confusion with names. Each time,they said Zaheer on IBN-7,you expected to see the current Khan of cricket steaming into bowl but what you got instead was this greying,dignified batsman,Zaheer Abbas,talking about Pakistan’s chances. All very confusing.

Time to call in Sherlock (BBC Entertainment). With his newly-acquired powers of deduction including the ability to mentally map future moves,he may have discovered who was going to win the match before it was played,or God forbid,it was fixed.

For instance,the tan on Afridi’s fingers would have told him which way he turns the ball; the way Sachin Tendulkar twitches his shoulders,where he is going to hit his next four and the sweat on Yuvi’s brow whether he will take a run or run out his partner.

Don’t believe us? Had you watched the first episode of the new Sherlock Holmes series set in a contemporary London with the dapper young man-detective,eccentric but with extra-sensory senses,you’d be less sceptical. He knew by handling a mobile phone that Dr Watson’s brother was an alcoholic with a troubled marriage; so predicting the winner of the India-Pakistan match is baby’s day out for him.

The repartee is wonderful,the actors very much in character,and the series modernised to the point of blurring the line between mediums: we know what Holmes thinks because it is literally spelt out.

The mobile phone and the computer become key players in the suspense and the detection,while the entire whodunit has the air of a sci-fi thriller,like Inception meets Sherlock. Holmes is a likeable,foppish cad with an acid tongue,maybe from drugs and maybe not. But one thing’s for sure,he’s anaemic. You can tell from the sheer whiteness of his skin. Elementary,my dear Watson.

This detection game is fun. Former Pakistan President Musharraf said on Zee News that he would be glued to the TV from the first ball to the last.

Aha,so he’s used Fevicol on his eyes,right?

shailaja.bajpai@expressindia.com