How to Hold a Fork

But I must admit the show left a lasting impression on me. No,not about anything important. It articulated a pet peeve of mine rather brilliantly. One of the first few episodes of the show has Ms McBeal on a bit of a dating frenzy. She is set up with a handsome,successful man and they meet for lunch. The first meeting has promise until he starts to eat. Not only does he chew his salad noisily and with his mouth wide open he also ignores a huge blob of mayonnaise on his upper lip. The date ends poorly but the storyline found favour with women across the world. Specially me.

I have the same disdain for poor table manners. I think it should be taken for granted that people should eat without feeding the rest of their face. Its a bit of a no-brainer as far as I am concerned. I also think its imperative to finish a meal without spilling dal all over your shirt. But the biggest crime is when someone chews with their mouth open. Excuse me,I really dont want to be introduced to what you swallow! The funny thing is that this most basic courtesy is invariably overlooked. We Indians enjoy chewing the cud,literally. We eat with our mouths wide open and we like to synchronise this to the sound of saliva flushing the mouth. Dont try this at home8230;it could cause an outbreak of violence from a loved one. So whatever you do,dont refer to that outdated code of conduct that says you must burp the entire alphabet as a compliment to the chef. That paragraph has long been edited out of the book of manners.

All this pales when it comes to the action of eating. I abhor the new trend of using flatware like a shovel. I grew up with my grandparents who were strict faujis and great believers in minding ones ps and qs. They would sit us down at the dining table for every meal and teach us how to eat as a four-course meal was served. So rules like EOTT elbows off the table and which side service should be conducted from the left were emphasised. The use and placement of cutlery and glasses including fish knives and ice cream spoons were par for the course. How to fold and place a serviette you never refer to it as a napkin was an integral part of each meal. They managed to make it great fun,so we learnt. It is also the reason why we know that the only way to hold a knife is to imagine it as a pen. Oh yes,and we practised how to flip a fork after spearing food so many times,I can now do it in my sleep. Today,I think perhaps my sisters and I are overqualified to eat a meal the world has changed and the rules of etiquette are more relaxed. But that is still no excuse to use your spoon to scoop out my eye.

The interesting thing is that while we appear to ignore western manners,the rules for eating with your hands are even more critical. Whether you are eating a roti or making elegant balls of rice,the rule of thumb is to never dirty your hands beyond the first digit. There is nothing worse than sitting across someone who is using their entire arm to feed their face. And yes,if by some strange reason,you think you are attempting fastidiousness by licking your fingers after messily digging into dahi kadi,cease and desist. Remember the ad where Abhishek Bachchan is trying to plug some telecom product? He eats non-stop only to deliver the punchline after deep-throating his fingers. Now whose idea was that of good manners,I shudder to think.

Kalra,former editor-in-chief of ELLE,is currently working on a beauty project for Godrej Consumer Products Ltd