``Hello, this is Jimmy Carter. May I speak with Mrs. Thatcher, please?''``What a pleasant surprise, Mr. President, this is Maggie.''``I am no longer President, my dear, haven't been for God knows how long.''``I am no longer Prime Minister, but people can't help calling me that.''``You better try harder, Maggie. Instead of calling me Mr President, you may need to call me Mr Prime Minister soon.''``Really, what are you saying? The United States has not seen the wisdom of following British parliamentary democracy, has it?``I am not talking about American politics, Maggie. I called you for advice. You know the area better than I do. When I was President, my administration did not consider that country important enough for me to study in any detail.''``What are you talking about, Mr President, well, Mr Carter?''``The idea is so outlandish.But I have accepted the proposal in my national interest.''``Really, Mr President, please stop beating about the bush.''``Well, I have beenasked to lead the ruling front of India in the forthcoming elections there.''``Oh, I know about the situation in India. As the former ruling party, the Congress is fielding the Italian-born widow of Rajiv Gandhi as their leader. There is a mad rush in India for importing leaders from the West. No political party wants to be left behind.''``Actually, I was quite reluctant to begin with. But the CIA got scent and convinced me that it may be in our national interest to do so.''``But surely you realise, Mr President, that as the former colonial power the post of Indian prime minister legitimately belongs to a Briton?''``What can I do if I have been offered the opportunity? And if India has to be ruled by a foreigner, the task legitimately belongs to an American. My liberal democratic politics suits both the UF and the wretched Indian masses. In any case, how can I help it if the offer has come my way?''``But you can simply refuse to go. I, too, have a similar offer from the main opposition party, theBJP. And I have decided to go in our national interest. I owe it to my ancestors who created this country from scratch. India was not even an idea when we reached the shores of the Bay of Bengal. Now it is a potentially great country waiting for a great leader. And I have all the right credentials. Do you realise what would happen to the country if you were let loose upon it with your liberal ideas? Do you remember the mess you made in the US with your people-friendly politics? Eventually Ronald Reagan, a conservative like me, had to come to clean all that mess.''``Hearing you, Margaret, I feel even more convinced that I must go even if it means contesting an election. You and your conservatism, imperialism and racism-turned-communalism are the last things India needs. Its forlorn masses surely need a leader of some calibre, humanity, philosophy, vision. Thank you for focusing my mind on the right phrases and slogans.''``Just one thing, Mr Carter. I would not like our contest to hurt the specialAnglo-American relationship.''``Nothing of that kind will happen, Mrs Thatcher. The CIA and MI6 know the stakes very well. We cannot allow the Italian mafia to take over India.''``Goodbye, Mr President, and see you in India.''``Goodbye, Maggie, and see you in India. My party will not easily allow someone like you to come to power, someone who didn't have the gumption to deal with Islamic fundamentalists in Teheran even to save American diplomats. How will you save India's teeming majority from being swamped by the culture of minorityism and minority appeasement?''WHAM!!!WHAM!!!
