Saturday Night LIVE

Sonu: Siddhartha, we know they have left, we know they have not yet arrived.

Studio Voice: As you just heard Sonu say, in that exclusive report, the players have left Pakistan but not arrived in Delhi. Let8217;s go to Mumbai Airport, and our correspondent Rajesh. Kya, what8217;s happening there, Rajesh?

Rajesh: Nothing.

Voice: Why are you there?

Rajesh: To describe the atmosphere when the fans welcome home their heroes. But there are no heroes or fans, so can I go home?

Studio Anchor: We8217;ll take a chota break and when we return, the latest action from Mumbai, sorry Delhi airport.

An hour later.

Studio Anchor: Our correspondent, Vineet is a-live inside the aeroplane. Let us tell you, we are the only channel bringing you live coverage from the plane, which we will show you again and again, once we disembark. Vineet, where exactly are you?

Vineet: Hidden inside Sachin8217;s shirt pocket.

Voice: And what8217;s the atmosphere like there?

Vineet: Very hot.

Voice: Tell us what you see.

Vineet: Nothing but the colour of his shirt.

30 minutes later.

Studio anchor: Sonu, we hear the players have landed and are on their way to the Taj?

Sonu: Siddhartha, the players left from a side door 8212; that8217;s breaking news so flash the red signal 8212; to give chakma to the media. I cannot confirm their departure for the Taj because I am not reporting from the National Highway.

Studio Anchor: At Taj Palace Hotel, our reporter Pooja is standing by the bus carrying the players. Tell us who-who is inside.

Pooja: I cannot because it has blackened windows.

MONDAY

Studio Psephologist P silent: Hello and welcome to our exclusive exit poll on the first phase of Election 2004. In the poll you are about to see all resemblance to reality is minimal. There is a 6-7 per cent margin of error, so we could have got it all wrong.

And the winner is8230; NDA with 280-290. Oh no, that was our Friday opinion poll. Today, a last-minute reverse voting swing in Bihar, Karnataka and Maharashtra, may 8212; we emphasise, may 8212; see NDA slip to 2798230;

Mr Yadav, our opinion-exit-opinion polls indicate you may, just may win most of the seats 8212; unless there8217;s a margin of error.

Laloo Yadav: We will wipe out the fascist government8230; we are totally opposing this government8230;

Pseph: But what about the lack of development in your state8230;?

Yadav: You are on the right path, the right path8230; We will win 40 out of 408230;

Pseph: Mr Shastri, your numbers are slipping on those saris in Lucknow. Is that India Shining?

Shastri smiling happily at the word 8216;saris8217;: It will be when you see the results8230; We will win 50 in UP8230;

Singhvi: 10 for Congress.

Pseph: And Mulayam?

THURSDAY

Studio Anchor: Rashmi, you have been speaking to everyone who knows Multani mitti ke Sultan8230;

Rashmi: We have spoken to all Viru8217;s and Aarti8217;s relatives who have never met them. Also, Sahib Singh Verma who met the Nawab of Najafgarh for the first time at Delhi Airport. We asked them how they are feeling about the wedding.

Aarti8217;s cousin twice-removed: Feel good.

Viru8217;s triple cousin once-removed: Feel very good.

Studio anchor: Issi ko kehte hain, Feel Good Factor. Rashmi, tell about the cricketers attending the wedding8230;

Rashmi: None. But Jagmohan Dalmiya wished the couple a 100 children8230;

Studio Anchor: Tejbir is outside Viru8217;s house 8212; what have you got for us?

Tejbir: Abhi abhi a dark shadow flashed past 8212; Ashish Nehra in a black T-shirt. We have with us a very special guest points to the ground. Viru played all his cricket in this gali as a boy. Tell us, how did you feel about Viru8217;s feet?

Gali: Bahut accha laga.

SATURDAY

Studio Anchor: Sonu, it8217;s Sehwag8217;s wedding reception. Where are the cricketers?

Sonu: We know they have left8230;