Action Replay

So. Calling the troops to attention,what should we do guys? Dead silence. Come on,people,we have a movie to make. Bright Spark Two opens his mouth. Lets make an action film. Action,action,hmm,says Head Honcho,yeah thats good,markets always receptive to action. These love-shove stories dont really work,says Bright Spark Two,warming to his theme,remember the one in which we put two young things in a marriage backdrop,and we got them to fight a little,and then gave them a hot moment,and then got them to come together. That one did well,because it was new. Now everyone is doing band,baaja and many baraats.

Thats not entirely true. This interjection comes from Bright Spark Three and before you ask,this is a table full of suits and ponytails,going ring-around-the-roses: I havent managed to count them all,being on the wall,and having only a limited view of the left flank,who only seems to talk when everyone else has laid their cards on the table,and who only speaks up to shoot everyone elses ideas down.

Love is eternal,he intones,love is forever. Lets do young love,and lets go to a small town. Mumbai and Delhi are so 2011. Head Honcho looks at him in admonition. Arrey,but last week only there was one of those na,where there were three of them,in that city where everything is gulabi,and everyone is eating daal baati choorma,with lots and lots of ghee. Bright Spark Three,unfazed,says,yes,yes,but there are so many other small towns in India. Lets go down a little,to the centre of India,where there is a lake,and lovely weather,we can get the actors to speak in the local lingo and all,he says triumphantly. Thats different,no?

And we can have two boys and a girl this time. That will be REALLY different,no? He looks around,beaming. Everyone looks at Head Honcho. Is that a slight smile? In that case,everyone will pull out their huge grins in a second. A frown will take Bright Spark Three straight to the doghouse.

Head Honcho pauses for a beat. Hmm,thats an idea,but lets hold it for a bit. What was that about action again? Bright Spark Two,matching the boss man for impassivity,and pedantry,says,yeah,so as I was saying,lets do action.

Well give the hero a traumatic childhood. Have him witness people getting killed chalo,lets have him see his mom and dad being shot and lets have him glimpse a bracelet with a toy horse around the hand holding the gun.

Bright Spark One perks up. But,but,but isnt that the story of that very famous film with that very famous star? Everyone around the table nods. Yes,yes,woh film toh bann chuki hai. Bright Spark Two,leaning back against his chair smirks,aise toh sab films bann chuki hain. There are only five stories in the world,he says sagely. He knows that that is the trick to being heard these days. Assume an air of deep profundity while saying the most banal thing,as if saying it for the very first time,and you get rapt attention.

I get your point,Bright Spark Two goes on. But why not remake it,sir. Remakes are good: you have a ready-made story,and ready-made situations. You dont even need a scriptwriter. Well do loud background music every five minutes,put in a few fights,a few songs,have the hero wake up from his nightmares about a rearing horse every 10 minutes, have a comedy sequence every 20 minutes. And in the end,well get the hero to pulp the bad guys. Kahaani khatam. And paisa hajam. What say?

Everyone breaks into applause. So does the Head Honcho. Chalo,chalo,lets get started. Well do a start-to-finish schedule. Lets do it in time for Christmas. But theres Diwali in between,na sir? Head Honcho,with dawning excitement,you think we can take it out in time for Diwali? Yeah,lets go for it.

The fly flies off,afraid. Very,very afraid.