Mad About MenCan you imagine a world without love? A world where everyone would hate each other?Well, that is exactly what the future holds in store for us if sociologists have their way. At the end of the millennium, it seems to me that social scientists have been tearing around trying to establish, record and patent trends that we will be taking into the next century. And one of the theories that they have chucked up in this feeding frenzy of documentation - is that men will be extinct soon. Put to pasture by the superior New Age Woman.Newspapers and magazines are filled with these doomsayers describing the demise of men because the wonderous woman has now emerged as the stronger of the species. Not only will they conquer, seize and rule the world of course all the while doing a far, far better job of it than any man they will do it with two babies perched on their hips. Yes, the millennium woman will be more manly than Clint Eastwood's lined forehead and yet, she will manage to stayin touch with her feminine side.Picture this: The woman of today will begin her day with a two-hour workout (including 45-minutes of abdominal crunches), spend the afternoon working out a merger & acquisition deal, and will wrap up the evening by identifying an internet stock that will IPO to the tune of several million dollars. Then she will head home to her family, where she will whip up a seven-course gourmet dinner, spend quality time with her brood, only to tuck herself into bed with Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment (her second reading, of course).And if she is in the mood she will conceive that night. Did I mention that the new age woman will be able to beget children all by herself? But obviously. If the rah-rah stories of the future of womankind are to be believed then soon women will be able to get pregnant all by themselves. After all, who needs men?I, for one. And if this is what the future holds in store, then I quit. I resign. I don't want a world without men. Because if there were nomen left in existence, then there would be nobody left in the world to love women. Certainly women would not love women. They've had a few centuries to try and do that and somehow the chemistry just never clicks. Women cannot love women. While for some odd reason men can. And I am terribly grateful to them for that - because we aren't very lovable creatures. Women as a species are moody, difficult and prone to sulking, temper tantrums and pouting.Not terribly endearing traits, but I swear the more high-maintenance we get, the more men seem to love us. Because of who we are and not in spite of (you know, unlike the way women love men - always with an agenda of change underlying the interaction).Hey! Imagine a world filled with words. A life of all talk and no listen. That's what would happen if we dispensed with men. Because men listen to women be it whining, cribbing, complaining about friends, foes and fashion. Men listen, unlike women. And it is thanks to men that women even make it out of theirhomes. Without men to bounce off questions like `What should I wear?'; `Do I look fat?'; and `Does my bum look too big in this?' women would never be able to get ready to go out.Most of all the world needs men because they bring in a fine balance into the world of literature. They don't feel the need to write wingeing novels liek he Bridget Jones' Diary lamenting their single status. No men throw up writers like Irvine Welsh and books like Trainspotting and Acid House about sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. You know, the other stuff that makes life worth living. And worth talking about.No sir. Guys are just guys. Uncomplicated timepass companions. People you can watch endless amounts of TV with, play pool and drink vast quantities of beer. A life without men would also mean no food, electricity or transport. Rather no gourmet cooking because all the chefs of famous restaurants are men. Or living with fused lighting because men can change light bulbs, fix blown fuses and make remote controls work. Or drivingthrough rush-hour traffic forever because men like to chauffeur women around, and they seem to have a fix on changing tires and parallel parking.Men also have another use - a fairly spectacular one but since we all know about that I won't get into it.In fact, I am more than a little surprised that men haven't phased us out. Instead, they have watched us grow and not always in ways that have been pleasing to them and stayed in love with us. Even now they are willing to fight battles for us when all we seem to do is battle them .Anyway, I think sociologists, anthropologists, veejays and all other chroniclers of human behaviour are wrong in writing off men. The male of the species is a survivor. He has survived two world wars, 28-inch bell bottoms and women raging with PMS.I think they're good for another millennium or two.Nonita Kalra is Features Editor, The Indian Express
