Sonia-er than thou

This business of Kesri, Pawar and Pilot fighting for the gaddi of the Congress President just does not behove a great party that has selfle...

This business of Kesri, Pawar and Pilot fighting for the gaddi of the Congress President just does not behove a great party that has selflessly served the nation for over 112 years. They have, indeed, grievously betrayed the cardinal principle of the Party: The More You Grovel the More You Rise. They have, in fact, forgotten the spirit that led Dev Kant Barooah (bless his suppliant soul) to craft that conker: “Indira is India and India is Indira”.

It is in order to restore some semblance of order in a party that has given the nation some of its most memorable moments (some of them in jail) that I have, after some deliberation and a great deal of thought, evolved an easy-to-fill questionnaire for the three aspirants to the Congress Presidentship. Totally idiot-proof, there should be no hesitation in awarding the post to the personage who tots up the highest score while responding to the 20 queries given below.May the best man win.

1. How far back does your association with the Nehru-Gandhi family go?

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2. How would you classify the members of the Nehru-Gandhi family in order of importance?

3. Who said, “The Congress is safe only in the hands of the Nehru-Gandhi family?” When, and in what context?

4. How many times in the last one hour did you say: “If Sonia desires the post, I will step down/withdraw my candidacy”?

5. How many times have you visited 10, Janpath in the past year? Past month? Past week? Yesterday?

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6. How many times have you visited Amethi in the past year?

7. How many times have you visited Sriperumbudur in the past year?

8. On how many occasions have you visited Shanti Van, Shakti Sthal, and Vir Bhoomi in the past year? For birth anniversaries? For death anniversaries?

For birth and death anniversaries?

9. On these occasions, how many feet away from Shrimati Sonia Gandhi were you seated? Ten feet? Twenty feet? Over 20 feet?

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10. When you greet Shrimati Sonia Gandhi, do you do a namaskar? A namaskar and a bow? A namaskar and a bow and a crawl?

11. Do you watch Maneka’s Ark on Star TV?

12. Have you had any links in the remote past, in the immediate past, in the present, in the immediate present, with Shrimati Maneka Gandhi?

13. Did you get an authentic invitation to the Priyanka-Robert wedding ceremonies? Or did you receive the rejection slip?

14. What is Shrimati Sonia Gandhi’s maiden name? When and how did she meet Shri Rajiv Gandhi?

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15. How many books of Shrimati Sonia Gandhi have you bought? How many have you read?

16. Have you raised funds for the Rajiv Gandhi Foundation? In thousands? In lakhs? In crores?

17. Do you believe that Shri Rajiv Gandhi was even remotely connected with the Bofors/ St Kitts scandals?

18. Should women political leaders have long hair? Short hair? Or shoulder-length hair?

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19. If you were offered a plate of spaghetti bolognaise or roti-murgh masala, which dish would you choose? If you chose spaghetti bolognaise, how would you tackle it? With your hands? With a fork? With chopsticks?

20. Who or what is Marco Polo? A designer label? A mint with a hole? A medieval Italian traveller who came east?

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