Life Sentence

HOW many sessions will we need?8217;8217; 8216;8216;That depends on your IQ,8217;8217; says the good doctor.It8217;s supposed to be 8216;couple therapy8217; or vocalising premarital jitters at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre in Central Mumbai. But the doc, it seems, is always on my 8216;fianceacute;8217;, colleague Amit Gurbaxani8217;s side.Our cover story wasn8217;t brilliant or romantic, but it was believable. We were call centre employees who had met at work and after a brief courtship, had decided to tie the knot.

Perhaps it comes from watching too much TV, but while fabricating a crisis situation, we could only think up saas-bahu scenarios. Forgive us Mrs Gurbaxani, but you were a future ma-in-law who doesn8217;t like the daughter-in-law who keeps late hours, dresses 8216;modern8217;, and can8217;t toast bread.

The expert buys it. And says it is the most common issue he addresses. He then proceeds to jot down our details on a prescription sheet. The next five minutes are consumed by his chatter8212;three calls in all8212;as he compares airfares to Delhi.

But his holiday planning does offer time to survey our surroundings. On the way over, we had envisioned heart-shaped balloons and an office decorated in girlie shades of pink and red. Or at least happy couples grinning out of picture frames. Instead, we8217;re greeted by a couple of lifeless receptionists, and furniture that looks like it8217;s been around since the centre opened its doors 20 years ago.

8216;His mother will have to change8217;, 8216;your fianceacute;e will have to change8217;, 8216;marriage is a series of ups and downs8217;8212;these and other such clicheacute;s are doled out in the first 15 minutes. My colleague is silent and appears to have discovered his feet for the first time.

The counsellor then systematically dissects Amit8217;s 8216;feelings8217; for me. Had he thought things through? How long had he known me? When did mommy express her dislike? Would she be okay with us living separately after the wedding? For a paid listener, he sure hogs a lot of the conversation.

My POV is conveniently omitted from the discussion. It8217;s like being part of a particularly disappointing threesome. Amit too appears somewhat frazzled, sinking in his seat as the doc continues to talk to him. I attempt to hop on board, but am reprimanded with stern glances that make me feel like a seven-year-old at a PTA meeting.

8216;8216;Have you thought of who will cook?8217;8217; he barks. 8216;8216;Hired help,8217;8217; comes my pat reply. 8216;8216;Really, you don8217;t even want to learn?8217;8217; he enquires. If I were on KBC, we8217;d be doomed by now.

8216;8216;And you think it8217;s easy to find a satisfactory cook?8217;8217; 8216;8216;Yes,8217;8217; I timidly reply.

Our next revelation fortifies his conviction that we are not meant to be. 8216;8216;I don8217;t want to have children,8217;8217; I tell the guy. This wasn8217;t rehearsed, but 8216;8216;I do,8217;8217; protests Amit, with a pained expression on his face.

As the words roll off his lips, Amit is transformed into a broken man deprived of his biological right. The scales tip in his favour. In our counsellor8217;s mind, I8217;m just not good enough for this tortured angel.

Give it to us straight, doc. Should we get hitched? 8216;8216;Not for another year,8217;8217; he says. Marriage presents its own kitty of issues, and we have irreconcilable differences. He gauges we8217;re already having second thoughts and says that it8217;s a healthy sign.

But we8217;re still in the red. So he assigns us 8216;homework8217;8212;to list all the things that irk us about each other. We8217;re allotted a reference number, 3359, and asked to quote it while fixing our next appointment. After an hour of being poked on a petri, it hurts being relegated to a set of random digits.

We ask whether he meets a lot of Amits and Sulakshanas. 8216;8216;I have an office boy named Amit, and my favourite actress is Sulakshana Pandit,8217;8217; says the doctor, sharing a final nugget of information.

Maybe, our act just wasn8217;t convincing enough. But the 500-buck session almost had us swearing off the big M forever.