Don your monkey cap and chew this

"Monkey Menace in South Block reaches alarming proportions" 8212; News item 11/11/2,000 JS Establishment MEA To JS Finance, Sub: Monkey m...

8220;Monkey Menace in South Block reaches alarming proportions8221; 8212; News item

11/11/2,000

JS Establishment MEA

To

JS Finance, Sub: Monkey menace

As you are well aware both South Block and North Block have been facing the monkey menace. Monkeys have known to eat and chew files of various ministries. There are several FIRs pending against monkeys both known and unknown. As per the original decision dated September 1999 three big monkeys were trained by foreign experts to deal with local monkeys. With increased workload, it is proposed that we increase the staff of 8216;8216;vigilant8217;8217; monkeys. Please advise.

Enclosed: Monkey file No. 00539821 from 1947, areas where monkey infiltration is the most, experts8217; options, intelligence inputs on who is behind the monkey menace.

14/4/2001

JS Finance to JS Establishment,Copy to member finance Planning Commission, JS home ministry.

We are all aware of the budgetary constraints. The FM wants a tight control on expenditure. In fact, the ministry was actually proposing keeping only one monkey instead of three. Planning Commission views would be appreciated.

4/6/2001

Member Finance Planning Commission, Copy to JS Home ministry, JS PMO.

A new approach to the monkey menace is urgently required. We understand that the Israeli Mossad and other such organisations can provide such training. Perhaps JS MHA could give his views to ensure that one fully trained monkey can deal with this problem. JS Establishment, Adviser Planning Commission may consider a trip to look at various monkeys around the world to contrast their behaviour with the South Block monkeys.

20/9/2001
JS Home to JS planning commission

The home ministry has always been advocating hot pursuit. We had proposed infiltration of our own monkeys with the other monkeys, blowing up their camps. We propose that along with adviser Planning Commission additional secretary, MHA be part of the delegation.

6/11/2001
JS XP

Since this has international ramifications the view of the PMO should also be incorporated. We would welcome any international tour but the JS MEA covering that area should accompany the delegation.

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7/11/2003
JS Home ministry

There was a suggestion by D.G. Punjab that Daler Mehndi who has a reputation of making people disappear be asked to take a bhangra troupe along with the monkeys but now we understand Mr Mehndi himself has disappeared. It has been decided that the Home Ministry would talk to the monkeys in the hope that they would see reason. It should be remembered that the Home Ministry would only talk to those monkeys who believe in the Indian Constitution and do not have a track record of attacking officials at South block and North Block.

JS Forest and environment. JS agriculture and JS I and B have also consented to be part of the foreign visit. Necessary sanctions may be asked for.

8/112003
JS Establishment

This has reference to my original letter regarding increasing the number of monkeys. Since my last communication dated 11.11.2000 all the three monkeys have disappeared. I also understand they have bitten and chewed the original monkey file 00539261. In view of this a fresh file may have to be prepared. Kindly advise.

8/11/2003
JS MHA

Till a fresh file is prepared the Home Ministry would not be in a position to conduct any talks with any monkeys both in India and abroad. The Election Commission has indicated talks with monkeys in an election year would not be advised.. JS E may advise all to deal with monkeys as any individual officer deems fit in conformity with conduct rules.