Relocating? Be the change and help your kids adapt

But let me tell you, when my husband and I took the decision to relocate to Lagos, Nigeria from Gurgaon two-and-a-half-years ago, none of us anticipated how much this shift would change our lives. On hindsight, it was possibly the best decision we took – for ourselves and our kids.

Of course, when we were packing up a house that had been lived in for 28 years, and sending off a container with 104 pieces by sea freight, it all seemed like a fun adventure we were embarking upon. The kids were excited – their entire perception of Africa firmly formed through rose-tinted glasses viewing Nat Geo and Discovery.

We had prepared them of course, knowing they would face insensitive comments from well-meaning relatives about moving to the land of black people, or listen to friends questioning our decision, especially since Nigeria has an underlying safety issue. We talked to them about the continent, used maps, articles, and answered every question. We told them what words they could not use and how they must never judge people by skin tone. We did not shield the truth. We said it would be far and not necessarily exotic. Most importantly, we were all in it together.

But, relocation is difficult. It’s not just the physical packing, or the new schools and homes to settle into, or being without your own things for months, it’s the emotional upheaval. The first challenge came our way when our younger daughter, not even six, realised that this was not her annual summer holiday, but her new home, and she would now have to attend school. The first morning, she wept inconsolably, complained of a stomach ache, and vomited. This pattern was repeated for a week and a half, without fail. By the fourth day, the husband and I were arguing every morning. She said she found the accents difficult to understand and didn’t always get what was expected of her in class worksheets. But we still sent her every day, sometimes cajoling, sometimes sympathising and when I would go to fetch her, the teachers would tell me she was fine during the day. I had promised her that if she went the entire week, I would let her take a day off. On a particularly trying day in Week 2, she vomited just before leaving, so I gave up and didn’t send her. That did the trick. She got quite bored at home, and from the next morning I sensed a change in her.

The 10-year-old took it differently. She cried at the Delhi airport and got it out of her system, so while she didn’t have any tears, she took time to make friends. Year Six can be hard socially, and the others already had their groups. Within a few days, she told us that every single child in class has a cellphone and they would all chat after school and she was feeling left out. It took some explaining and patient listening, and a few months on, she found like-minded friends. (The cellphone wasn’t given till much later.)

On hindsight, starting school immediately, helped. Empty hours can be difficult to fill in a new country where even the TV channels don’t play the shows the kids are used to. Names take time to absorb, and suddenly there is a certain loss of familiarity and freedom.

But some of these things, the kids don’t feel unless you let them. We enrolled them in tennis lessons and went swimming with them. We started discovering the city by stepping out for meals from the day we reached. We ensured they spoke to family and friends often. If they wanted a toy or a book, we indulged them. We went a bit easy on the junk food policy too.

In two weeks, the six-year-old announced she had a new Best Friend. A year-and-a-half later, when this friend moved away, I anticipated another bout of crying but there was none. By then she had understood that relocation may be part of life, but friendship has the power to labour through boundaries. They still talk to each other on the odd weekend.

I think my biggest learning has been that if you embrace the change positively, children will adapt easily. If the two of you are strong and stand together in your decision, children draw emotional strength from it, and then it really doesn’t matter where you are or how many daily challenges you face. That strength is enough to see you all through.