Opinion The brain on love

Brain scans show synchrony between the brains of mother and child; but what they can’t show is the internal bond that belongs to neither alone,a fusion in which the self feels so permeable it doesn’t matter whose body is whose. Wordlessly,the mother says all an infant needs to hear,communicating through eyes,face and voice. Thanks to neuroimaging,we now have evidence that a baby’s first attachments imprint its brain.

We used to think this was the end of the story: first heredity,then the brain’s engraving mental maps in childhood,after which you’re pretty much stuck with the final blueprint. But as a wealth of imaging studies highlight,the neural alchemy continues throughout life as we mature and forge friendships,dabble in affairs,succumb to romantic love,choose a soul mate. The body remembers how that oneness with Mother felt,and longs for its adult equivalent.

As the most social apes,we inhabit a mirror-world in which every important relationship,whether with spouse,friend or child,shapes the brain,which in turn shapes our relationships. Daniel J. Siegel and Allan N. Schore,colleagues at the University of California,Los Angeles,recently discussed groundbreaking work in the field. It’s not that caregiving changes genes; it influences how the genes express themselves as the child grows. Siegel,a neuropsychiatrist,refers to the indelible sense of “feeling felt” that we learn as infants and seek in romantic love,a reciprocity that remodels the brain’s architecture and functions.

Does it also promote physical well-being? “Scientific studies of longevity,medical and mental health,happiness and even wisdom,” Dr Siegel says,“point to supportive relationships as the most robust predictor of these positive attributes in our lives across the life span.” The supportive part is crucial. Loving relationships alter the brain the most significantly.

Just consider how much learning happens when you choose a mate. Along with thrilling dependency comes glimpsing the world through another’s eyes; forsaking some habits and adopting others; tasting new ideas,rituals,foods or landscapes; a slew of added friends and family; a tapestry of physical intimacy and affection; and many other catalysts,including a tornadic blast of attraction and attachment hormones — all of which revamp the brain.

When two people become a couple,the brain extends its idea of self to include the other; instead of the slender pronoun “I,” a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other’s assets and strengths. We don’t just get under a mate’s skin,we absorb him or her.

James Coan,a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia,conducted experiments in 2006 in which he gave an electric shock to the ankles of women in happy,committed relationships. Tests registered their anxiety before,and pain level during,the shocks.

Then they were shocked again,this time holding their loving partner’s hand. The same level of electricity produced a significantly lower neural response throughout the brain. In troubled relationships,this protective effect didn’t occur. If you’re in a healthy relationship,holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure,improve your health and soften physical pain.

A happy marriage relieves stress and makes one feel as safe as an adored baby. Small wonder “Baby” is a favourite adult endearment. Not that romantic love is an exact copy of the infant bond. I saw the healing process up close after my 74-year-old husband,who is also a writer,suffered a left-hemisphere stroke that wiped out a lifetime of language. All he could utter was “mem.” Mourning the loss of our duet of decades,I began exploring new ways to communicate,through caring gestures,pantomime,facial expressions,humour,play,empathy and affection — the brain’s epitome of a safe attachment. That,plus the admittedly eccentric home schooling I provided,and his practice,helped rewire his brain to a startling degree,and in time we were able to talk again,he returned to writing books,and even his vision improved. The brain changes with experience throughout our lives; it’s in loving relationships of all sorts — partners,children,close friends — that brain and body really thrive.

During idylls of safety,when your brain knows you’re with someone you can trust,it needn’t waste precious resources coping with stressors or menace. Instead it may spend its lifeblood learning new things or fine-tuning the process of healing. Its doors of perception swing wide open. The flip side is that,given how vulnerable one then is,love lessons — sweet or villainous — can make a deep impression. Wedded hearts change everything,even the brain.