Opinion Social marriage product

Our socially arranged marriages happen in more or less the same way,but with more discipline. The bridegroom is always in a position of power,to squeeze the bride’s family all the way. Carrying that mentality,the boy’s side go bride hunting to even 20 different homes,and they’re entertained everywhere. His has two regiments,the men’s group for investigating the bride’s wealth; the women’s group for examining the bride as product quality. In general,the criteria determining man-woman compatibility include matching of horoscopes,family reputation,religion,caste,vegetarian or non-veg diet,skin colour,fecundity. The groom’s profession commands the dowry price. The highest weightage goes to IPS/IAS officers,followed by doctors,then others.

The boy’s side arrives like a winning battalion expecting to be extolled. I’m not generalising; just narrating some childhood observations from being present in arranged marriages of our joint family members. Different women have since confided in me their frustrating,resentful feelings. In multiple visits to the same girl’s family,it seems the boy’s side feels free to criticise,even abuse feminine sensitivities. Humiliating comments from accompanying people are: she doesn’t walk demurely; when she smiles all her teeth protrude; she doesn’t sit gracefully; she speaks too loudly; she doesn’t serve with humility.

When the bridegroom’s men get into wealth assessment manoeuvres,the women’s regiment goes for surprise checks to investigate the family’s living standard. They follow the would-be bride into the kitchen purportedly to check her art of cooking,washing and serving,so essential in a joint family. Actually at close quarters,her real body colour vs. fairness cream usage is minutely ascertained. If she sings or dances it’s counted as added product value,although she may be disallowed from using these skills later. If her career is accepted,it’s for the extra income the family pool will get. Clearly her patience and adjustability are winning factors.

On a recent visit to an old friend’s home,I found everybody in mourning. His daughter’s marriage cancellation story tumbled out. It was worse than the analogous joint family car purchase cancellation upon hearing about low mileage,a quality they’d not experienced yet. The marriage decision was solidified several months ago after the bridegroom’s family verified everything. Before the “real” religious ceremony marriage,a “new” trend nowadays is to legally register the marriage. These formalities were happily concluded at the court amidst joyous family members. After reaching their respective homes,the bridegroom’s side called off the marriage. My friends were dazed. I don’t know how you,my reader,will take the shocking reason for discontinuance.

Present in the court was the bride’s maternal uncle who has some skin de-pigmentation on his face. On returning home someone whispered to the bridegroom that skin de-pigmentation can be hereditary. So he promptly cancelled the marriage. Skin pigmentation is a beauty issue that does not interfere with general health. Its likelihood of occurrence in the next generation is rare. Can you imagine this innocent girl’s plight? She’s legally a divorcee. When I narrated this to my 86-year-old father,who also has skin de-pigmentation,he had no answer. He confessed to always having a sense of impending guilt,and relief,that my son,grandchildren or I have no skin de-pigmentation.

Perhaps my friend’s daughter is fortunate she escaped this family where trust is so fragile. But the bridegroom’s behaviour is proof of how arranged marriages treat women as products that have to perform to exacting standards laid down by men. Luckily a new trend has emerged,where a girl and boy who want to marry beat the system by involving go-betweens,making it appear like an arranged marriage. The pretence is to avoid shocking their parents. This is love,yet an accepted marriage according to India’s social system.

Over centuries,amongst royalty in Europe,India and Japan,marriages were political,arranged for empire building. Daughters were useful currency to help form strategic alliances and strengthen the country’s military position. In India,women’s dignity is wiped away by arranged marriages that make her a mere embellished commodity. I believe in marriage that results from love and affection between two individuals. Others may enjoy its celebration but without interfering in the couple’s private decision. Society must concede equal rights to women,at par with men,to select their partner and boldly stand by their choice.

Shombit is an international consultant to top management on differentiating business strategy with execution excellence (www.shiningconsulting.com)