8216;I learned to let go8217;

As my children grow older,those memories of my first year as a new mother are losing their sharpness.

As my children grow older,those memories of my first year as a new mother are losing their sharpness. The warm,fuzzy feeling that accompanied watching my newborn sleep is much more dominant than any remembrance of those nightmarish pre-dawn hours when he did anything but. I guess that is natures way of ensuring that we dont stop at one.

Despite the numerous books and websites I waded through during my pregnancy,I felt completely unprepared when the nurse deposited a mewling piece of flesh in my arms. It was a life-changing moment when everyone,including the baby,seemed to expect me to know what to do. And somehow,almost magically,I did. Imagine doing that through a fog of sleep deprivation,a laundry list of aches and an outpouring of conflicting advice.

The first year was about getting used to every shred of privacy being torn away. From being laid bare in front of doctors and nurses,it pretty much went downhill. My body was no longer mine and belonged to the baby for the 11 months that he chose to nurse.

I learned to survive gruelling days after a virtually sleepless night,without the benefit of coffee or alcohol. I learned to grit my way through an achy back,a painful C-section scar and sore nipples to find the reserves in my battered body to nourish that of my infant son,and eventually to move beyond the exhaustion and the self-doubt to find my feet as a mother.

The first year was about waiting eagerly for my baby to hit his milestones,celebrating them and then ruefully missing the simpler days before Ayaan did. Because rolling over also made him more prone to rolling off the bed altogether and gaining mobility gave him access to a bunch of sharp corners waiting to attack him. It made me realise the truth behind the saying,Having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body. I worried about whether he was eating enough and growing healthy,about germs and diseases,falls and injuries. I worried about kidnapping and child abuse. Thankfully,I was sane enough to keep that worry locked inside and not smother him.

During the course of the year I learned to let go,just a little bit. I learned to be comfortable leaving Ayaan with other caregivers from my husband to other relatives and paid nannies. I learned to let him take his first,faltering steps away from me,knowing that even though he might hurt himself,I had to help him fly.

Those first 12 months were also about having my relationship with my spouse overturned. It was about letting a wee baby take precedence over everything else. It was about finding romance in little things like letting each other sleep in,when we didnt have the time or the energy for grander gestures. It was about strengthening my bond with the only person in the world who shared the same love and pride I feel for the human being we had created.

Story continues below this ad

The period was also about nurturing relationships,old and new. It strengthened my respect for my mom and bonded us anew. I knew my real friends were the ones who came around even when my conversation consisted solely of gushing over the babys feats or moaning about my woes. It was about making time for them,one night at a time.

The day Ayaan turned one was a day of celebration. It wasnt just the day that my baby completed the first year of his life but also the day that I patted myself on the back for surviving a year of motherhood. Appropriately,it was brought in not just with the customary birthday cake but also with good wine and close friends. There was the hope that life would only get easier,which,in some ways,it has. But motherhood comes with its challenges at every stage,and you realise there is no easy phase.

Rohini Haldea blogs at mamasaysso.blogspot.com