The Yellow Diaries

I8217;M putting together a self-help volume entitled 52 Weekend Cures For Jaundice. And if you8217;re thinking there couldn8217;t possibl...

I8217;M putting together a self-help volume entitled 52 Weekend Cures For Jaundice. And if you8217;re thinking there couldn8217;t possibly be 52 kooky ways to beat the yellow, then you haven8217;t met my friends and family.

Three weeks ago, my husband Andre was diagnosed with Hepatitis E the Big E. Once jaundice was confirmed, the unsolicited advice began pouring in. It started with the mother-in-law: 8216;8216;First thing in the morning, make him chew on sugarcane.8217;8217; Our friend Asif took it further, 8216;8216;gunna chabate jaana, chabate jaana, aur pura peela gunna mein nikal jaayega,8217;8217; he promised keep chewing the sugarcane, it will drain the yellow out.

Then a mala arrived dry herbs strung with red and yellow threads from my father-in-law, accompanied by the advice, 8216;wear it around your neck; it will grow longer, and pull the jaundice out of you.8217; My husband, who can8217;t even bear to don his wedding ring, wore it on his wrist for about 28 seconds. Then, laughing at his desperation to get better, he took it off.

Many suggested a famous healer near Lonavla station. 8216;8216;Go before sunrise, he will put two drops of medicine in his nose, and cure him in two days.8217;8217;

Then my friend Jehan was hospitalised with the big E. A dasturji priest came to his bedside, prayed, and then waved knives over Jehan8217;s head to exorcise the jaundice demon, no doubt. Unfortunately my husband isn8217;t a Parsi, so we couldn8217;t avail of the knife ritual.

Our neighbourhood doctor8217;s advice was simple: Liver tonic, lots of rest, no meat, alcohol, spices or oil, and a review in 10 days. Unfortunately on the appointed 11th day, his clinic was closed8212;the good doctor had become a victim himself.

My cousin Kerman8212;a dedicated carnivore8212;was devastated by the prescribed boiled vegetables diet. Later, when his wife also fell ill with the disease, they consulted Dr Zarir Udwadia, who believed the boiled diet was old-school. Dr Udwadia said she could eat whatever she wanted so long as it was hygienically cooked, and consumed in moderation. Annoyed at his needless 12-day suffering, Kerman switched to a less oil, little chilli, no junk food diet.

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Mrs Badami, our real estate agent, recommended a baba at the Mahim masjid, whose concoction promised a cure in three days. Ditto for a fakir in Chembur. And there was more8212;grandma remedies and Ayurvedic concoctions from self-appointed specialists. For instance, if you want a liver flush, consume half a cup of extra-virgin olive oil, with the juice of three lemons, and four tablespoons of Epsom salts.

My brother-in-law Chris gave the last word on a cure for the disease. One look at Andre8217;s yellow eyes and he said, 8216;8216;Just tell him to lagao two fat pegs of whisky everyday, and liver-biver, everything will become okay.8217;8217; I rest my case.