No tears for Cinderella

The recent ruling of a Bombay High Court judge was hailed as a landmark in the field of custody. After in-camera interviews with the parents...

The recent ruling of a Bombay High Court judge was hailed as a landmark in the field of custody. After in-camera interviews with the parents, stepmother and child, S Radhakrishna held that the 13-year- old girl, who has lived away from her biological mother since she was three, should continue to stay with her father and stepmother. quot;She is not at all keen to meet the real mother 8230; any disturbance in her custody at this stage will be traumatic and detrimental to the child8217;s interest,quot; he said.

And this is not a case of the exception proving the general rule. Fiction typecasts its villains and victims to aid a plot but in reality there are many instances of role reversals. Instances where a step-parent is as good, if not better, than a biological parent. Radhika De, 22, Dilip De8217;s daughter by his first marriage, says that her present mother, Shobha De, means all that a mother should to her, quot;At no level do I feel that she is not my real mother. She is mom for all reasons and purposes.quot; Radhika lost herbiological mother when she was just seven, in a car accident. It was a very traumatic experience and she missed her mother badly. Two years later, her father decided to remarry. quot;He brought mom Shobha over and said she is going to be your new mother. Initially, I didn8217;t want it but mom was so affectionate with us. In a way, I let go of my old mom. And all the adjustment that took place was that we had to get used to her habits and mannerisms around the house,quot; says Radhika.

This was probably as smooth a transition as possible. Says Dr Vihang Vahiya, practising psychiatrist, quot;Just as real parents have to do something exceptional to make a child hate them, the new parent will have to deal with the situation in an exceptional manner to win the child8217;s affection.quot; Radhika would probably give Shobha De a 10 on 10 in that case and so would Rahul Mani to his new father.

Rahul, 19, thinks that his life took a definite turn for the better when his mother, Vijaya, decided to remarry. He was 11 years old then andfive years had passed since his real father8217;s death. He and his mother were living with his grand parents, uncle and aunt. quot;Though there was no abuse, it was made clear that we were dependent on their goodwill. My parents had a love marriage, so all the pent-up disapproval surfaced after his death,quot; says Rahul. The second marriage was arranged 8212; by his maternal grandparents and though Rahul wasn8217;t averse to the idea of having a step father, what unnerved him was moving into a new house. quot;Ma spoke to me about it and I met dad Cherian Mani a few times but there was an ego involved. I guess I was scared about being on his territory.

quot; His apprehensions were taken care of very gently. Rahul was given his own room and privacy, quot;more than I ever had at our old placequot;. Though insecurity and ego reared their heads on occasion in the early days, Rahul found his fears dying pretty quickly. quot;Dad spent so much time with me and after not having a father for five years, it was really quite wonderful,quot; says Rahul.Also Rahul8217;s mother approached the matter in the best way possible. Says Vahiya, quot;Some parents might give a funny explanation about the new parent. But you should always tell the truth as the child can deal better with the situation.

quot; While Rahul8217;s and Radhika8217;s case was that of a structurally-broken home 8212; due to the death of a parent 8212; children from functionally-broken homes 8212; divorce 8212; are more prone to viewing the new parent with hostility and suspicion. They might suspect that their displaced parent has been a victim of injustice. Says Vahiya, quot;The child will obviously be judgmental of the new parent. They are taught to be wary of strangers.quot; Jyotsna Dutt, 20, had a difficult time adjusting to her new father. Her parents were divorced when she was 13 and her mother, Rekha Mehta, married again three years later. quot;My real father was an alcoholic. So, when the divorce happened I was glad. But I was really against mom remarrying. I didn8217;t want another man in the house,quot; says Jyotsna.

Vahiya saysthat this reaction is quite normal, quot;The child has to be convinced that he is getting a better bargain. His attitude towards the replaced parent will reflect on the new one to an extent.quot; It took Jyotsna two years to sort out her problems with her new father. quot;There were many fights, I misbehaved a lot but now we are okay,quot; she says. Though Jyotsna feels that she can never develop a typical father-daughter relationship with Mehta as she is too old, she says, quot;he is a good friend. I talk to him more comfortably than I do with mom. And if this marriage were to break-up, I would miss him more than I miss my real dadquot;.

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While there are no off-the-shelf guidelines for step-parents 8212; in the three cases discussed 8212; the new parents hit upon the most important need of the children. Says Vahiya, quot;Basically all children need steady and sensitive parenting. That is what being a good parent is all about.quot;