Match fixing

Barely a week after posting my profile8212;Tsia, a name I chose considering most of my suitors wanted a 8216;cool gal8217;, 8216;swinger8217; or 8216;party lass8217;8212;on the popular website, I was flooded with 36 mails from Kulin Brahmins, Kayasths on the rocks, liberal smokers but non-drinkers, architects, journalists, 8216;self-business8217; types and one middle-aged Marwari businessman who said that he needed someone at least 10 years younger, to make him feel young too. The Lolita in me almost obliged8212;Marwari dude had some obscene crores of property that he wanted to 8216;8216;share8217;8217; with me. But this was about love8230;

Loverboy DL, the darling son of a wealthy Gujarati family from Indore, had put up some photos of himself on the site. The leather jacket-clad six-footer looked dishy against a backdrop of the flower markets in Amsterdam.

The profile also had an ode to his well-travelled self 21 countries in five years, how his parents wanted him to get hitched right away, how the girls in his office went into hysterical raptures when he strummed the guitar, and a too-effusive account of his 8216;8216;dashing, muscular, tanned and agonisingly handsome jijaji8217;8217;.

DL certainly looked like a potent mix of sex, drugs there was a 563-word email on how he8217;d backpacked all over Europe with his pals, surviving on the best Appleton Jamaican rum and Manali hash and rock 8217;n8217; roll. Just what my Mommy ordered.

My quarry arrived at the rendezvous, a coffee shop, in a silky black Optra, patting his hair into place as he looked around for a 8216;8216;striking dusky beauty in a brown and black striped salwar kameez.8217;8217;

There I was, alternately glancing furtively at my photographer pretending to gawk at some colourful murals and furiously sipping from my cup of steaming Darjeeling. As the man of my dreams sauntered towards me with an already victorious smile, my intuition screamed at me to run.

8216;8216;Hello, Tsia..8217;8217; drawled DL.

Too late. 8216;8216;Hi,8217;8217; I mumbled.

8216;8216;Sorry I8217;m late, just 10 minutes. Next time, I8217;ll be on time,8217;8217; he said, settling down.

Then he looked deep into my eyes. 8216;8216;So, Tsia, is this your first time?8217;8217; As he took in my shocked reaction, he guffawed, 8216;8216;I mean, meeting a guy through a website.8217;8217;

8216;8216;Yes, but you seem like a seasoned player,8217;8217; I shot back, trying to get a grip.

8216;8216;Arre, no. I8217;m too busy for all this. My parents are after my life to get married. You know how parents are. All they want is grandkids to play with,8217;8217; he said, ordering a chocolate pastry. 8216;8216;You like kids, I hope?8217;8217;

Waitaminute! Could we not jump to fifth base already?

8216;8216;Achcha, forget it. You8217;re a journalist? Page 3 type?8217;8217;

8216;8216;I write on environmental issues, mostly about ozone depletion8212;specifically about how it affects pink-aed baboons in the Delhi zoo,8217;8217; I said sweetly.

Blank stare. Got you, Rambo!

8216;8216;Very nice,8217;8217; he stuttered. 8216;8216;Do you like to party? When I was working in Italy for a while, I used to party all night and then back to work at nine. Work hard, then party, party,8217;8217; he grinned.

Ignoring the chocolatey goop on his upper lip, I asked him his views on marriage. DL reacted like I was asking about his Dad8217;s seventh illicit affair, but made a quickie recovery. 8216;8216;Arre, tu usko jaane de na. Marriage ka kya hai, woh to baad me. Jaan pehchan to ho jaane do.8217;8217;

8216;8216;Gee, sorry. Thought that was what we were meeting for,8217;8217; I said.

8216;8216;Haan, haan, okay. Dad is a businessman, Mamma is a housewife, Sis is married, and that8217;s my family. So, where do you want to go party tonight? We can go to my place after that. No one8217;s home,8217;8217; he raced.

8216;8216;Oh, I have a deadline,8217;8217; I said, looking at my watch. 8216;8216;Which is now. We8217;ll meet up again sometime?8217;8217;

8216;8216;Oh, c8217;mon babe. It8217;s just nine. Let8217;s talk. I8217;ll tell you about my nieces,8217;8217; he countered. What about his tiny nieces had brought on that leery look, I wondered. Maybe it was a code word8230;

8216;8216;I have to go, really,8217;8217; I said firmly. 8216;8216;My parents are waiting for me, we have to go out for dinner.8217;8217;

8216;8216;One last thing. You must wonder why I want a Bengali girl. You see, after I saw Bipasha in Jism8230;8217;8217;

That was my cue. 8216;8216;Ohh, okay8230; have to run. G8217;nite.8217;8217;

8216;8216;Achcha, this weekend, let8217;s go to some place romantic and private. Jahan bas main aur tum ho,8217;8217; he tried one last time.

Run I did. Like the wind.

The Internet, I concluded, is best used for research on the depletion of the ozone layer.