Coffee, Tea or TV?

The channel logo is vintage Doordarshan, valued-added with a lotus which blossoms into a classical dancer for a swadeshi touch. The news b...

The channel logo is vintage Doordarshan, valued-added with a lotus which blossoms into a classical dancer for a swadeshi touch. The news bulletins are a combination of Aaj Tak and Zee News (in its Hinglish period), with the male anchors attired in kurta-pyjama to reinforce the swadeshi statement. The female anchors drape sarees like curtains, sorry uniforms, lent them by air hostesses in the airline wing of the organisation. The promos come from Sony and the serials from the Zee of the mid-nineties and DD Metro of today. That leaves the public service messages on issues such as education, child labour, dowry death, obviously inspired by Doordarshan’s Lok Sanchar Parishad campaigns. What do these borrowed feathers make of Sahara TV, the latest channel on the tube? Well, put it this way: Sahara TV has a public face and a commercial heart. Too early to say more.

From the telecast of the inauguration in Lucknow, you’d have thought Sahara was launching a movie channel or conducting a film awards ceremony. The only recognisable face from television belonged to its biggest showman. But even Shekhar Suman, the Mover of Ceremonies for the evening, appeared to be speaking from a far away studio. A succession of Bollywood stars strutted upon the stage, with Amitabh Bachchan in the lead. Shah Rukh Khan, Salman Khan, Juhi Chawla, Aishwarya Rai, also graced the occasion. The finale had the Big B, the Super S and the other Khan (not Aamir!) performing together. So now we know: Bachchan can (sing), Salman can (dance) and Shah Rukh tries to (sing and dance). Most intriguing for discerning viewers, was to observe these stars fairly falling over each other to hug or dance with Subroto Roy, the head of Sahara. They even escorted him back to his seat when he was the one who should have been thanking them. You’ve never seen such a public display of affection by Bollywood. Whatgives?

The Hollywood Academy Awards were three dour-hours too long (STAR Movies). One would have done very nicely, thank-you. Presenter Billy Crystal’s arrival at the start, morphing through some of the greatest Hollywood movies of all time, was the sole memorable moment. You know it’s a bad show when the best is over before the first commercial break. Maybe next year, Uncle Oscar’s guardians should import a few Indian films stars along with film directors and fashion designers. A strut here and pelvic thrust there from them should astonish those Hollywood facial muscles out of their immobility.

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Time for Good Morning India (GMI), Subah Savera, Subah Aaj Tak, 7 to 9, Morning Zee, Breakfast News (in no particular order). A deep devotion to duty led this congenitally later riser to awake early enough to discover what compels people to watch TV while they brush their teeth, shoes or hairIn case you don’t have time to read the newspapers or just don’t read there are constant bulletins, headlines and the indepth Breakfast News (STAR News). There are repeats, left-overs from the night before but anticipatory news too. On Friday, there were details of what the new Exim Policy would contain.

Aerobics. On Friday’s GMI (STAR Plus), the work-out was set to delightful instrumental music and a song from Madonna’s voice box. But what exercised the mind was this: how to watch and imitate the instructor, simultaneously? He bent forward very low for his buttocks to split open in a smile to the sun. By the time you follow suit, he’s straightened up and moved on. And you’re left bottoms up!

From this point onwards, a succession of revoltingly fresh-faced anchors, smiling brightly, talking heartily, jolly you a long. All very well for them, they’re paid to teeth you, but when you’ve just (s)tumbled out of bed and into a cup of tea or the buttons have fallen off your shirt, or you’ve just seen yourself in the full length mirror, their cheerfulness, their poise can depress. The male anchors like Sanjiv (Subah Savera, DDI), Madhusudan (7 to 9, DD News) are low-key, like solid citizens; it’s the women who even at 7 am look like they just walked off the Oscars or the Miss India contest. Shireen (GMI), Mona (Subah Savera) and Shivani (Morning Zee) are so well set, you’d think someone poured gelatine on them. They’re artificial but wonderful and give you an inferiority complex.

And what do they present? People. Opinions. Film Songs. The range is formidable: you can go from a Subah Savera story on the increase in car sales in India, a Subah Aaj Tak (DD Metro) discussion on terrorism in Kashmir during the “hot summer which awaits us”, a 7to 9 report on Sanskrit’s (un)popularity (did you know there are 5 lakh Sanskrit teachers in this country?), to an encounter with Mr.India and his coach on Morning Zee, a discussion on Turkish Prime Minister, Bulent Ecevit’s prospective visit on STAR News, cook fish with almonds in the company of a rotund Swiss chef (who said “oh yes” each time he breathed in) on GMI and return to Subah Savera in time to pick up beauty tips on how to remain fair (expert Suparna very piously said, not colour but “the skin condition is very important”)… More follows, especially on artists and curios: Ila Arun, Anu Malik, ghazal singers (very popular early in the morn), Odissi dancers, a stamp collector, sports injuries, sports round-ups, I.K.Gujral, DimpleKapadia, horoscopes, birthday greetings, letters. As Karen Carpenter sang: “(they)’ve only just begun…” and so has your day.

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If you like television to babysit you through bath and breakfast, there’s plenty out there. If not, this won’t interest you.