A Survivor’s Guide to Coming Out of Life Alive

• Always remember, we have to survive at all costs, even if we have to die in the process. In other words, we must all try to live until we die.

• Always remember Mark Twain’s words. He said that by trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Other people’s, that is.

• Always remember to take an umbrella when you go out in the rains.

• Always remember that when the meteorological guys say it is going to drizzle, you must take an umbrella, a raincoat and gumboots when you go out.

• Always remember, when they say “it may rain for the most part of the day”, you need to take an umbrella, a raincoat, gumboots and your scuba diving equipment.

• Always remember, when they say it “may rain for a few days”, you need to call in the Coast Guard if you wish to go out in the rains.

• Always remember, when they say the “outlook for a rigorous Monsoon is positive”, it’s time to trade in your motor car for a motor boat.

• Always remember, if you happen to be living in Mumbai or Bangalore or Vizag, that it makes no sense to invest in a house. Do what Noah did, build an ark instead.

• Always remember, when the earth seems to shake under your feet, it’s an earthquake (that is, if you haven’t had one drink too many).

• Always remember, when the ceiling appears to be the floor, and the floor, the ceiling (and you haven’t had a drink too many), it’s time to vacate the building — unless of course you find yourself somewhere between the raised floor and the collapsed ceiling.

• Always remember, practise for an earthquake by first jumping out of the first floor and then working your way to the higher levels. That way you will be completely prepared to face any earthquake even if you happen to live on the 24rd floor, because you may not be around when it strikes.

• Always remember, the term ‘shop till you drop’ has got an ominous new ring to it after Black Saturday. So stick to shopping online or order your shopping over the phone and you’ll be okay (as long as you don’t order suitcases that come equipped with ticking sounds).

• Always remember, if you insist on actually going to a market, never, ever, pick up unaccompanied luggage in a public place, especially if it comes with strings attached.

• Always remember, never venture out to a market without encasing yourself in blaze-resistant polyester film.

• Always remember, never hang out at fruit juice stalls in busy markets unaccompanied by a bomb defusion squad — or, in specialist parlance, an explosive ordnance unit.

• Always remember, if you wish to do elaborate festival shopping yourself, to ensure that you are accompanied by at least one brigade of the army.

• Always remember, they now have a new disease on the plate — bird flu — and you could be the bird that catches it (which, of course, is great news for hypochondriacs).

• Always remember, bird flu is serious business. It is nothing chirp about.

• Always remember to take the temperature of the chicken tandoori they’ve just served you by popping a thermometer under its wing. If it registers a reading of over 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, don’t touch it — it may have the flu.

Follow these instructions carefully, and you may yet emerge alive from that catastrophe called life. I you don’t, don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you.