Ram Kapoor humorously admits ‘conning’ wife Gautami with six-pack abs at the time of their marriage: ‘Shaadi ke 1-2 saal baad…’

Ram Kapoor defends his weight gain (Wikimedia Commons)

It’s a joke many couples laugh over, but behind the humour is a profoundly human pattern. While Ram said it in jest, this narrative is all too familiar. “Many men (and women) pour effort into their appearance and routines during the courtship phase but gradually slip into physical or emotional complacency after the relationship stabilises,” said Delnna Rrajesh, psychotherapist and life coach.

Have you ever wondered why it happens?

Survival brain over romance brain: When you’re dating or newly married, your nervous system is in a reward-seeking mode. “You’re wired to impress, connect, and win. You prioritise self-care, grooming, and even communication skills. But once the brain perceives ‘security,’ it shifts from impressing to conserving energy. Comfort replaces effort,” said Delnna.

External vs internal motivation: Many men are conditioned to see fitness or self-care as externally motivated, i.e., something they do to attract or please a partner. “Once that need is fulfilled, the inner drive weakens unless replaced by a deeper ‘why.’ When the relationship becomes long-term, so must the motivation,” said Delnna.

Emotional load distribution: Often, women silently take on more emotional and domestic responsibilities post-marriage, especially after having children. Men, on the other hand, tend to immerse themselves in work or ambition, often neglecting their physical and emotional well-being as a trade-off. “It’s not laziness; it’s often unconscious prioritisation,” reflected Delnna.

“Love Me As I Am” myth: There’s also a false belief that once someone accepts you, you don’t need to try anymore. “But love doesn’t mean letting go of effort. Long-term relationships require even more active nurturing – physically, mentally, and emotionally,” shared Delnna.

What can help?

Re-anchor your why: Don’t wait for a crisis or a “wake-up call.” Reframe your self-care and fitness as a gift to your future self and your partner. It’s not just a one-time lure.

Build in accountability: Couples who stay consistent with their health often create rituals, such as morning walks, meal planning together, or scheduling regular check-ins. Make health a shared journey, not a solo battle, said Delnna.

Stay curious about each other: When you stay curious about your partner, what they need, what excites them, how they’re evolving, you stay motivated to show up fully. And this naturally extends to how you carry yourself.

Don’t wait for the mirror to feel broken: If your body or habits have shifted post-marriage, address it with compassion, not shame. These changes often stem from emotional safety, role overload, invisible stress, and a shift in priorities. When you finally feel “settled,” the brain exits performance mode and unconsciously drops previous routines. Over time, work demands, caregiving fatigue, age-related hormonal shifts, and even unspoken agreements between partners can make health feel optional. But health isn’t about punishment or perfection. It’s about vitality, joy, and shared intention – one small, loving reset at a time.

Emotional fitness: We often pursue physical fitness through gym routines, diets, and wearable devices. But emotional fitness is what sustains it all. Emotional fitness means regulating your moods, communicating your needs, facing triggers without shutdowns, and knowing when to pause instead of explode, shared Delnna.

According to Delnna, while you may not owe your partner a six-pack, you do owe them your “evolving best self”. “And the greatest con in love? Is not the extra kilos, but the silent surrender of effort. Choose love. Choose effort. Every day,” said Delnna.