After Aziz Ansari was accused of sexual misconduct, these two Twitter threads look at larger questions

Do men feel entitled to sex? Can men, who are perceived as otherwise ‘nice’, get away by not comprehending non-verbal cues? In the light of the Ansari incident, two journalists Lara Witt — writer and managing editor of the magazine Wear Your Voice Mag, and Meghan Murphy, founder of the website Feminist Current, in their respective Twitter threads have raised these questions.

While Witt wrote, “That Aziz Ansari piece isn’t surprising to me but it is difficult and heartbreaking because I’ve been there, many times because ‘nice’ men thought they could use whatever kindness they had performed earlier to ignore my boundaries in intimate situations,” Murphy, stressing on rape culture, wrote, “The Aziz Ansari stuff is a perfect demonstration of how rape culture works and how men are socialized to feel entitled to sex. No, there was no rape, but this thing where men pester women for sex and don’t let up, even when it’s clear she isn’t into it, IS RAPE CULTURE.”

This is what Witt wrote.

That Aziz Ansari piece isn’t surprising to me but it is difficult and heartbreaking because I’ve been there, many times because “nice” men thought they could use whatever kindness they had performed earlier to ignore my boundaries in intimate situations.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I know men like Ansari. They’re sweet, funny and seemingly thoughtful. They’re great at learning about feminism because they realize it’s important to the people they want to fuck.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

And again, this is why I don’t believe in cishet male feminists. For one it’s not your space to take up, but for the other, your oppressive behaviors (which include ignoring boundaries & not caring about affirmative consent) seep into your personal relationships & harm us.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

So I side-eyed every man at the GG who wore a #TimesUp because it’s performative allyship. It’s not tangible action, nor is it a form or reparations to simply show solidarity when behind closed doors most of you are still 100% non-compostable trash.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

So I side-eyed every man at the GG who wore a #TimesUp because it’s performative allyship. It’s not tangible action, nor is it a form or reparations to simply show solidarity when behind closed doors most of you are still 100% non-compostable trash.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve simply had sex because it was safer than pushing the person away & saying no, or I was too tired to keep saying no, or I felt like I owed them for being kind, or I thought I was supposed to always say yes because we were in a relationship.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

I wish more of us felt safe enough to say no.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

When your body has undergone years of trauma, trauma you recognize & trauma that you only recognize years later, how do you even begin to heal?

I hope Grace will be ok. I hope all of us who’ve had our boundaries trampled will find healing.

I don’t trust cishet male feminists.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

The only form of solidarity I want from cishet male feminists is financial reparations and for them to stop being so trash. If you claim you “learned so much” from feminists (which Ansari) claimed he did, stop saying it & pay us instead.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

A few final notes on this before I rest: it’s even more terrifying to read what Ansari did in light of some of the episodes of Master of None. I’m thinking about 2 of them in particular: the one about micro-aggressions & sexism in the 1st season &

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

the one about Chef Jeff (played by Bobby Cannavale) & the discovery of his years of sexual misconduct and harassment. Yes, you can be aware enough of how toxic rape culture is and still participate in it actively.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

In it Ansari portrays his knowledge that what Chef Jeff did is consent-breaking, harassment and definitely not ok, so to read what Ansari himself did to Grace (& probably others), is evening more sickening. Cis het men will use feminism as a cover-up for their own sins.

— Lara Witt (@Femmefeministe) January 14, 2018

Expounding on what comprises rape culture, Murphy wrote.

The Aziz Ansari stuff is a perfect demonstration of how rape culture works and how men are socialized to feel entitled to sex. No, there was no rape, but this thing where men pester women for sex and don’t let up, even when it’s clear she isn’t into it, IS RAPE CULTURE.

— Meghan Murphy (@MeghanEMurphy) January 15, 2018

We all see this behaviour as ‘normal’ BECAUSE IT IS NORMAL. It is completely normal for men to push and prod and pester and whine and coerce women into sex. The goal is to ‘get’ sex regardless of what she wants. Men have learned this is an acceptable way to relate to women.

— Meghan Murphy (@MeghanEMurphy) January 15, 2018

Like, no one is trying to put the dude in jail. Women are trying to explain what it feels like to be on the other end of this behaviour constantly. And we’re trying to explain how this behaviour connects to patriarchy and rape culture.

— Meghan Murphy (@MeghanEMurphy) January 15, 2018

What is behind rape culture is male entitlement, the view that women are objects/things that exist for male pleasure, and the idea that male pleasure is more important than female comfort (or pleasure).

— Meghan Murphy (@MeghanEMurphy) January 15, 2018

The whole POINT of #metoo is really that almost ALL men do this. The point is that this is how ALL men are socialized to behave towards women. We don’t see it as harmful because we’ve naturalized it. This is a cultural problem.

— Meghan Murphy (@MeghanEMurphy) January 15, 2018

“Good men” I know behave or have behaved like this MANY TIMES. Think about how so many men behave in relationships with or marriages to women? This thing where it’s totally normal for men to pester & try to coerce or guilt women into sex shows how deeply ingrained rape culture is

— Meghan Murphy (@MeghanEMurphy) January 15, 2018

Like, I have no interest in Ansari being fired, in preventing him from working, in painting him as a criminal. At ALL. What I WANT is for men to stop this behaviour, to understand it is not an ok way to treat women, and to understand how it feels to be on the other end of that.

— Meghan Murphy (@MeghanEMurphy) January 15, 2018

And if we’re ever going to successfully address rape culture, we need to talk about exactly this — how ‘normal’ men behave ALL THE TIME.

— Meghan Murphy (@MeghanEMurphy) January 15, 2018

While there are divided opinions on the Ansari case, as these two journalists highlight, there are many layers and shades to sexual assault and what can be deemed as consensual. While society at large remains to be educated and sensitised, it’s heartening to see that this conversation – this time – has not been overshadowed and forgotten.