We are Family

“I don’t want to be your mom,but we can be friends,no?” says Shreya,whisking away her frillies strewn in the father’s bedroom. The children proceed to behave badly. If I were Shreya,I’d threaten to thwack them too. Sadly,she seems to have no child-rearing skills at all. Can’t be that hard to keep them fed and watered as they seem to subsist on bread and pizza (the spaghetti is used solely to be flung at each other),but she flubs that too,as Maya grows increasingly wan and pale,and poor Aman shuttles between both.

This is a film geared to flood our emotional valves: how can anyone remain unmoved by the impending,untimely death of a mother,who lives only for her children? Maya’s discovery that she has very little time left should have shaken us to our core: Kajol gets in there somewhat,but not all the way. No one,not the immaculately put together Kareena,nor the slimly sketched Arjun Rampal,gets to do that. It’s all so contrived that you despair of this film having a single genuine emotion. The little girl’s constantly cutesy,the older girl is just getting her teenage spurs and keeps throwing tantrums and the boy is the only one who feels a tad real.

Those who have seen the original can mouth the dialogue as they go along: the lines are in Hindi,but it sounds as if this whole bunch is talking in English. Susan Sarandon-Julia Roberts-Ed Harris made Stepmom good in a super-schmaltzy,three-hanky kind of way: We Are Family doesn’t even get the cheese right,even when it manages to wring a few tears. “Har aurat mein ek maa chhupi hoti hai” (all-knowing Kajol to running-scared Kareena,in one of their heart-to-heart scenes) is gag-inducing: did we really hear that?

This film needed Karan Johar at the helm. He knows exactly how to lay it on,and how thick it needs to be. Where are you,KJo?