Parenting Sans Pareil

Publisher: Doubleday Transworld

My son is a five-and-a-half year old epicure. He eats broccoli,spinach and even karela. He learned to eat with chopsticks last summer in Thailand and Hong Kong. Until his fifth birthday,he was only allowed birthday cake for dessert. Now he gets a piece of chocolate every Saturday,and only on Saturday. In his almost six years,hes been to McDonalds thrice.

My paediatric dentist is thrilled. But my mum and most friends think Im cruel to be robbing him of childhood joys. Now I can say,Im doing it like the French,thanks to Pamela Druckermans new book on Parisian-style parenting,French Children Dont Throw Food.

Druckerman,a former Washington Post journalist and an American,finds herself married to a Britisher and living in Paris,where she eventually raises their three children. In Paris,she discovers most French kids sleep through the night from two months onwards,eat four-course meals at restaurants,never throw tantrums and have excellent etiquette when guests visit. She learns French mothers raise their children differently from Anglophone mums and often better.

With a bundle of research and several chats with psychologists and local friends,Druckerman identifies two major elements to French parenting that sets them apart. Firstly,the French teach their kids patience. Infants are never picked up from their cots at the first whimper there is always The Pause first,and children are encouraged to wait until adults have finished their conversation.

The other is a wonderful term called cadre kah-druh: Druckerman kindly helps with pronunciation for those without French lessons at the end of the book. This means framework,and it actually besets a deeper philosophy wherein children have a few rules,but a complete free hand within those rules. This is exciting to understand as its both bohemian and disciplinary at the same time like my chocolate on Saturday exercise,non? Their small acts of naughtiness,bêtises,are accepted and overlooked. But sometimes a strict Non or The Big Eyes teaches kids what is socially acceptable behaviour even for the young.

The Anglophone version suffers from a child-king syndrome,where the child becomes and gets treated as the epicentre of the parents lives. The French think its important to make time for a smoke and a coffee,lose weight presto and get to work and also please the monsieur doctors recommending post-partum perineal exercise classes would be funny if it werent a real concern,the government even pays for these.

Anglophone mums are overly anxious and even hysterical,argues Druckerman,confusing their commitment with suffering and sacrifice. The French show off their parenting skills by being calm and raising sage children.

While most in New York or London are helicopter parents,hovering around their kids during playtime,French mums leave them in the sandbox as they sit down and chat with each other at a distance. And no,they never get on a slide or in the sandpit. That would be so un-elegant.

Saying bonjour and au revoir is a national obsession,far more than just minding ones ps and qs. Druckerman explains that learning only please and thank you puts children in a receiving role,but greeting adults puts kids on an equal footing. It makes them respect the adult and ask for the adults respect in return.

Being in the culinary centre of the world,French kids are taught to eat everything and eat healthy right from their first bites. Picky eaters are a result of bad parenting. If a child refuses leeks once,he must be offered it again,maybe in a new preparation. Children must be inspired to eat foods of different colours,textures and nutrients.

Crèches are compulsory,state-run and excellent training grounds for kids. They have three-course menus a salad of tomato and hearts of palm,fish à langlaise served with rice cooked in Provençal crême and a fruit for dessert and the food is cooked fresh.

When Britons and Americans meet a young mother,they ask,Are you working? but French people say,What do you do? The state is especially helpful: not only are the public hospitals almost on par,the government pays for nurseries and daycare,subsidises nannies and,in some cases,picks up the tab for tummy tucks too. French healthcare is rated number one by the WHO,the USA is at number 18.

Druckerman resolves to be less of a whiny Carrie Bradshaw,and more of the impossibly chic Catherine Deneuve,and happily lands somewhere in the middle.

Its easy to see why the British and American reviews are defensive,when was the last time they didnt allege the French were arrogant? The Guardian mocks it with French cuss words,the Telegraph calls it incendiary,and the NYT says its obvious. But the book is already a bestseller in the UK. The book isnt high literature and is highly bloggish,but it is whipsmart,easy to read and funny in swathes. It can be accused of making sweeping generalisations but logic teaches us that if 10 birds can fly,the eleventh will also take flight.

Close on the heels of Amy Chuas Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother,that enjoyed tubthumping success and unwittingly proselytised many,Druckerman goes on to show there is another way besides the American Anglophone way that makes better sense.

But most importantly,it tells us to take it easy and be less stressed mums. It shows how child-rearing doesnt have to involve suffering; it can be practical and pleasurable for the whole family.

Im loaning my copy to my friends who cant get their kids to sit still.