Tomorrow never lasts

I had sworn that I would never-ever write a COLUMN LIKE this. But these days you can trust no one. Not even yourself. How often do you sw...

I had sworn that I would never-ever write a COLUMN LIKE this. But these days you can trust no one. Not even yourself. How often do you swear never8217; and find yourself doing it8217; again instinctively, impulsively or ignorantly. I think there is a lapse in the synapse of the brain when it comes to the long-term phrases of never, ever or forever. But since forever takes too long and often reads like a Calculus problem 8212; delta to the power of infinity or some such mind-bending term 8212; let8217;s look at the simpler side of life. Which is that we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.

Tomorrow Never Lasts, particularly in situations like these: lThe morning after the night before 8212; when large vodkas flow into tequila chasers and Jell-O shots. All for the pure cause of science, of course. How often do you wake up and swear that you will never-ever drink? Two Alka Seltzers later, that never-ever has changed. quot;I think I might be well enough to drink by the weekend.quot; By 4 pm, when things are looking better and the belly-upheadache has subsided into a dull throb, you have already pencilled-in a drink date with friends for Wednesday.

By 7 pm, you are feeling a little lost and start wondering why ennui has descended upon you. The phone rings. quot;Let8217;s meet for a drink,quot; rings out a voice. quot;No, no. I said never.quot; Two minutes later, you are jumping into your jeans, convinced like never before that one Bloody Mary is the only cure for your hangover. One BM later you know it is the only real truth and you make the switch to your regular vodka-tonic. They were telling the truth when they said that a hangover is nothing more than a withdrawal symptom from the normal, natural state of inebriation.

l Your bank account is looking like the GDP of an impoverished African nation. You withdrew money well over your regular limit thinking that the bank had better things to do than keep tabs on you. You charged your credit card to the sky and now are tallying the days to pay day 8212; 21, 20, 19 8230; You say, quot;I will never ever shop-till-I-drop.My cupboard / room is really overflowing with things I have little need for 8212; clothes, CDs, books, these are all material possessions. The time is ripe to turn Zen. Right?quot;

Wrong. What do you think you are going to do with the Rs 500 tucked in your filofax, put away for a rainy day? What happens when a long-forgotten voucher drops cash on your desk? Or a friend repays a written-off debt? Or in a serendipitous sweep your bank 8212; without your knowledge 8212; extends your credit limit? Do you walk past Portishead8217;s Dummy or forego the latest Dick Francis now out in paperback? And what if your favourite store announces a grand sale 8212; Rs 2,500 dresses for Rs 700? You know you are actually saving money as you spend so what is this never-ever issue?

l quot;Smoking is like burning money.quot; quot;I8217;m not addicted. I just enjoy an occasional drag.quot; quot;I will never smoke again holding on to a packet of Classic Milds with 14 cigarettes to go.quot; Right after a nice Saturday lunch of aloo parathas or chola bhaturas at CreamCentre a few drags cannot hurt, right? quot;Just because I like a few cigarettes when I drink it doesn8217;t mean I am a chain smoker 8212; I am a social smoker.quot; quot;The real issue here is that I broke my diet 8212; I shouldn8217;t have been eating that oily, fattening food at Cream Centre.quot; There, the facts are on the table 8212; and you are fed up with yourself.

The truth: Excuses and cliches have already sated the palate. And never-ever is just a garnishing on the dish.

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Promises, promises, promises 8212; to love in sickness and health, to stop repeating drinking stories, to start exercising, to stop boring my friends with my unenviable encounters with love 8212; quot;I promise never-ever to make resolutions.quot; That lasts about eight hours. Or until you meet some Smug Married friends who want to share the joys of fidelity and their offspring in minute detail. Your tolerance level snaps and before you know it your train has derailed and you charge off in a cloud of smoke.

Fine, I will never fool myself that I have resolve. My flesh isweak and the spirit willing. So, no more sweeping statements. Right 8212; twist my arm! 8212; Nonita Kalra is Features Editor, The Indian Express