The most legitimate candidate

8220;Even vanaprastha can be extremely tiring,8221; thought Veerappan. 8220;Life in the forest is not everyone8217;s cup of tea, and I8217;ve been hanging in there for so long.8221; Flipping through the book, Veerappan8217;s eyes lit with some satisfaction upon the following: Politics is the last resort of the scoundrel 8212; George Bernard Shaw8217;. Words of wisdom indeed!

8220;While I eke out a living from sandalwood, Laloo has found something as unattractive as fodder rewarding. While he cools his heels in the comfort of a guest house, his wife has made all of Bihar her kitchen. And while I slog it out here, my wife and kin languish in jail. It is time to undo this injustice,8221; the brigand told himself.

With a heavy heart and a heavier stomach, Veerappan fell asleep with the book in his hands, predictably to dream of a political debut.

I should issue a new Magna Carta, another great charter. Gujral should put the nation out of its misery and step down in my favour along with his much divided United Front. All my colleagues should be allotted farmhouses in the vicinity of Mehrauli. Their children should be sent to public schools. We will have to be allowed to open accounts in Swiss banks. Shekhar Kapur must direct a movie on me, tentatively titled Veeru ban gaya gentleman. Arundhati Roy shall be compelled to write my biography, The Lord of Big Thugs. It would be simply awesome to hold 950 million people to ransom. Sorry, but the old man in a hurry will have to wait. He8217;ll discover that Veerappan is not Deve Gowda and pulling the rug from beneath his feet isn8217;t easy, considering that these bare feet have an excellent grasp on ground realities.

With a former bandit as Prime Minister in the golden jubilee year of Independence, India could boast of bringing its outlaws out into the mainstream from the least legitimate fringes of society and actually sharing power with them. What greater tribute to the spirit of freedom than offering Phoolan Deputy Prime Ministership? And with the two of us at the helm of affairs, small-time Veerappans and Phoolans from the national parties would break away to prop us up. I would love to make history by outdoing Kalyan. I8217;ll announce Cabinet berths for the first hundred early birds. The rest could be accommodated as Ministers of State. The response would be such that Kalyan8217;s Cabinet would pale into a baby elephant. Gujral has been trying to drum up support for India8217;s demand for a permanent seat in the UN Security Council. Poor man, he doesn8217;t know that actions speak louder than words.

When Bill Clinton visits India next spring, we would take him to Bandipur National Park. And there my colleagues would spirit him away in what would be billed as the kidnap of the century. Our demand would be the same as Gujral8217;s: a permanent berth in the Security Council. And Capitol Hill would crouch and cringe 8212; and capitulate.

Thereafter, I8217;d be as adored in India as Saddam is in Iraq. I would be the natural leader of the Third World, for only I could stand up to the bullying of the West. An eye for an eye, whether in the forest or the corridors of power. And with this, Veerappan clenched his fist and punched his own eye, for none other was immediately available. And thus he woke from pleasure to pain.

He stretched, twirled his moustache and said, 8220;Arjun, bring me a fresh cassette. I need to record my new Magna Carta.