Television talkies

This isn8217;t the most recent Deepak Chopra recipe for self-renewal more8217;s the pity. It8217;s the CTQT. Which is not even remotely related to CTBT 8212; that proposed treaty on a nuclear tests ban which frankly sounds like a Punjabi pet name. Sweetie-beti. Don8217;t you think?

Back to CTQT: Comprehensive Television Quality Test. Last week, the Minister for Information and Broadcasting, Mr.Arun Jaitley, had spoken feelingly about the need for quality8217; television. We, therefore, dedicate this test to him. It8217;s a very simple one: any idiot in front of the box can conduct it. Simply listen to every word spoken during a TV serial. See ? if you understand what is happening in the episode 8212; without once opening your eyes. If you can, then before marvelling at your own hearing intelligence,know that what you have watched figuratively speaking is not a television serial, but a radio play.

The majority of Indian TV serials are audio not visual, a quality they share with our TV cricket coverage. Until very recently like yesterday!, commentators assumed we were blind and, therefore, most generously donated their eyesight to us. The result? A ball-by-ball running TV commentary which often is still chasing the cherry to the boundary after it has already crossed it. Don8217;t wish to be rude or unkind but please do listen to Maninder Singh during the India 8212; New Zealand test match: 8220;Ramesh aage aye aur achha rakshatmak dhang ka stroke khela8221; DD. Doesn8217;t it make you want to gouge your eyes out?

The same goes for TV serials: they are so wordy, an action is long over when it is still being described. For example: one character grabs another and slaps him around. Then he roars: 8220;Agar tumne kuchh bola to main mar doonga8221;.

But aren8217;t television serials merely a reflection of the Indiancharacter? Don8217;t we just love to debate, discuss, dispute, dissect, declaim, diatribe !, till death do us part? Isn8217;t gup-shup our official, national timepass? And action an after thought?

While on the subject of TV cricket, could Doordarshan do something to the 8220;quality8221; of its transmission and its sets? Some things never change and these are frozen in a time warp. If the picture is clear on DD1, then it8217;s hazy on DD Sports and vice versa. No quality picture, no advertising. Even when there is advertising, it goes wrong: the ad soundtrack runs while the game is in progress. Onto the sets: the curtains behind Venkat Sundaram and Chetan Sharma in the studio at the start of the Mohali test match, looked suspiciously like they had been hanging there since 1970.

Still on the subject of cricket, Sajid Khan Sajid No.1, Sony did a delightful impersonation of the Indian cricketers and the reasons they may invent for winning bribes instead of matches: his Azza and Jadeja were simply a scream eeeeeeeee!.Alongwith Shekhar Suman, Sajid is a terrfic mimic. The two men have the comic touch and timing, though Shekhar8217;s performance is more impressive, given that he is a daily.

The amusing thing is that when Shekhar Suman stars in a situation comedy sitcom, he8217;s about as funny as an obituary eg.,Vilyatee Babu. Which suggests the problem lies in our scripts. Take Hello Friends Zee. It has a refreshing new cast of actors; veejays and models like Nikhil Chenappa, Maria Goretti, Simone Singh, Cyrus Broacha. They are youthful with yummy bodies; they are natural, comfortable in their skins; they have the advantage of novelty. And, contrary to popular expectations, they can act. Despite all this going for them, Hello Friends is lively without being in the least bit funny. Ergo, it doesn8217;t bubble like champagne. Ergo, TV comedies don8217;t fizz: they8217;re flat sodas.

The romance between sister-in-law and her daamaa in Kora Kagaz STAR Plus is also dead. The last episode was a Dusshera special. A lovelorn Salil Ankolais so taken with Renuka Shahane8217;s saree-covered head, that he rushes into the bedroom and sprints out with a camera. To preserve her for posterity. Then Renukaji spends pretty much the rest of the time staring at herself in her bedroom mirror, trying to fathom what he saw in her.

Saccharine stuff.

8220;Feeling lucky?8221; undulates the woman to Salman Khan, 8220; isse scratch karo.8221; If you can tear your eyes off his naked bulging muscles, everywhere!, ask Khan what the ad means.