Straight Face

8220;Namaskarji,8221; I said, by way of greeting.

8220;Jai Shri Ram, come in, come in,8221; said my friend in the VHP, as polite as ever. 8220;Sorry about this mess, you can take your seat. We are preparing to welcome the Pope.8221;

8220;So these must be the placards of welcome,8221; I said pointing to the clutter.8220;Quite right, ji,8221; he said, holding one up for my benefit. It had the words, Down, Down, Pope, Pope8217; emblazoned on it.

8220;But these are not exactly words of welcome,8221; I remarked, somewhat startled.

8220;First you must remember that ours is a 5000-year-old civilisation which has hospitality written into our traditions8230;8221; began my friend in the VHP.8220;Quite right, quite right,8221; I agreed, nodding vigorously.

8220;We have always believed in thecredo, athithi devo bhava 8212; guest is god8230;8221; went on my friend in the VHP.

8220;Quite right, quite right,8221; I agreed, nodding vigorously.

8220;We therefore welcome Pope but8230;8221; and here he held up a cautionary finger in the direction of the Vatican,8220;8230;but we don8217;t want him to feel welcomed.8221;

This confused me no end. My friend in the VHP must have perceived my consternation. 8220;This is the trouble with you secularists,8221; he said. 8220;You do not understand the dialectics of welcome.8221;

I nodded weakly.

8220;You see, sisterji, we are not against the papal visit. That is pure media creation. As I said, for us guest is god. We are not against Papal visit. But we are against Pope,8221; said my friend in the VHP, frowning in the direction of the Vatican.

I nodded, still somewhat confused.

8220;We are committed to make Pope8217;s visit to our matrubhoomi a glittering success. For us guest is god. But that does not mean that Pope can get away believing he is God8217;s representative on earth,8221; said my VHPfriend, casting a withering look in the direction of the Vatican.

I nodded, comprehension had still not dawned.

8220;Pope is welcome, about that we are clear. But his past is not welcome,8221; continued my VHP friend. He went on without being asked. 8220;You see, sisterji, we welcome him but he has to answer our questions first8230;8221;8220;What questions,8221; I asked, curious.

8220;For starters, we want to know what Pope was doing when Theodosius suppressed paganism8230;8221; said my VHP friend.

8220;Theodosius!8221; I exclaimed.

8220;Yes, Theodosius. And what does he have to say about the monks of Capraaia and the Antheno-Peloponesian war,8221; asked my friend in the VHP triumphantly.I nodded, impressed by his erudition.

8220;Yes, we welcome him, but what was he doing when Thomas converted the Namboodiris in Malabar about 2000 years ago and Vasco da Gama knocked at India8217;s gate in 1498 with the Portuguese inquisition,8221; said my VHP friend, now in high dudgeon.

I nodded, quite floored by his knowledge of history.

8220;Yes, we believein athithi devo bhava and all that, but what was Pope doing when our Northeast states became Christian decades ago and when the Southern Baptists attacked Hinduism last fortnight?8221; went my friend in the VHP full throttle, even as he shook a fist in the direction of the Vatican.8220;But why must our 5000-year-old civilisation feel threatened by a three-day papal visit?8221; I asked, thoroughly confused by now.

My VHP friend went into what appeared to be a catatonic fit. 8220;It is precisely because of people like you that this country is where it is, sisterji,8221; he exclaimed in anger. 8220;Understand this. We welcome our honoured guest but make no mistake, even though it was our government that organised it, such visits are part of an international conspiracy to convert all of us into Christianity,8221; he pronounced darkly.

I was suitably alarmed.8220;Understand this, sisterji,8221; finished my friend in the VHP emphatically. 8220;We welcome Pope, but he is not welcome.8221;