Straight Face

SCENARIO NUMBER 1: Polling day arrives. Some 600 million people, from 18-year-olds clutching on to their voters slips to chair-borne divisions of 99-year-olds, take part.

A few days later the results emerge. The BJP and its two allies squeak home with a wafer-thin margin. Ladoos are distributed so widely that an epidemic of diabetes is feared. Vajpayee practicallydrowns under marigold garlands.

It’s time then for the PM to put his team together. There is a great behind-the-scenes jostling for the key portfolios. Mamata makes it known that her party expects to be given the Home portfolio — because then she can get the Basu government dismissed. The DMK party makes its known that it wants Home so that it can then ensure that the Karunanidhi government will never be dismissed. The RSS makes it known that it expects Home because then it can dismiss the Central government if the need arises.

Finally, after a lot of hectic negotiations, the swearing-in ceremony takes place. Karunanidhi’s cohorts in white dhotis starched specially for the occasion, walk where Amma’s men in their white dhotis had once strode.

The weeks roll by. Six months pass and the BJP organises special rath yatras to celebrate half a year of stability. Nine months pass. Mamata suddenly goes on dharna at the Brigade Parade Grounds in Kolkata, for the dismissal of the Basu government. Ten months passbut Didi won’t relent. The country holds its breath. To pacify her, Vajpayee first sends Venkaiah Naidu, then Jaswant Singh, then George Fernandes. To no avail. The country keeps holding its breath. Didi withdraws support and the Vajpayee government collapses like a house of cards.

M.S.Gill gets himself a whole new set of ties, with turbans to match, as he prepares to administer the 14th General Election in the country.

SCENARIO NUMBER 2: Polling day arrives. Some 600 million people, from 18-year-olds clutching on to their voters slips to chair-borne divisions of 99-year-olds, exercise their franchise.

A few days later the results emerge. The Congress, along with AIADMK and the RJD, squeak home with a wafer-thin margin. There is much distribution of ladoos, enough to foster an epidemic of diabetes. Sonia practically drowns under marigold garlands.

It’s time then for the PM to put her team together. There is a great jostling for the key portfolios. Jayalalitha makes it known that the AIADMKexpects to be given the Home portfolio because she can then dismiss the Karunanidhi government. The RJD party makes its known that it wants Home, so that it can ensure that the Laloo government is never dismissed.

Finally, after a lot of hectic negotiations, the day of the swearing in arrives. Amma’s men in white dhotis starched specially for the occasion, walk like they did just a few months ago. Jayalalitha, in gold silk sari with Prada bag to match, beams down on all and sundry.

The weeks roll by. Six months pass and the Congress celebrates half a year of stability under Madam. Jayalalitha presents her with a bouquet of red roses on the occasion. Nine months pass. Jaya suddenly goes on dharna at the Marina Beach, Chennai, for the dismissal of the Karunanidhi government. Ten months pass but Jaya won’t relent. The country holds its breath. Sonia sends Manmohan Singh to pacify her. But Jaya still won’t relent. The country keeps holding its breath. Jaya sends Sonia a rose bouquet — but this time with theflowers missing. She follows it up with a withdrawal notice. The Congress government collapses.

M.S.Gill gets himself a whole new set of ties with turbans to match, as he prepares to administer the 14th General election in the country.

When you go to the polling booths next Sunday, or whenever, remember to vote with maturity. Choose your preferred scenario with care. But also remember that whatever you do, the twin torpedoes of Indian politics will get you.