Perhaps nothing ever takes such a ruthless bashing in our hands as English spelling - and often with hilarious results. Ignorance and, to a lesser extent, carelessness are usually the culprits.Travelling by bus the other day, I heard the conductor berate a couple of schoolboys for occupying a ladies' seat. "Can't you read that?" he snapped irritably, pointing to the telltale notice above their heads: "For Laddies Only". The relevance of the message was lost on the good boys who meekly vacated the seat.A restaurant in Munnar, my home-town, has a prominent signboard reading "Fresh Pupps Available". However, the reference is not to any canine offspring but to the delicious mutton puffs sold there. And, of course, we have all heard about the "Fresh Snakes" offered by the well-intentioned snack-shop.Then I came across this gem on a hotel signboard in Vellore, ostensibly proclaiming that meals were ready. "Males Ready", it announced suggestively, raising visions of a bordello with gigolos oncall.Talking of males, I once chanced upon a discarded poster emblazoned with the slogan "Down with Male Chavanism!" Obviously the work of a fiery feminist whose spelling skills did not match her zeal.On the other hand, a resourceful college student used her spelling ingenuity to get rid of an undesired but persistent Romeo. Day after day, without fail, he kept slipping little love notes into the letter-box outside her hostel room. Then one day, as he dropped in yet another epistle, the white lettering caught his attention. It read "Litter-box", an `i' having been deftly painted over the `e'. That did snuff out his ardour.Tourism brochures often wax eloquent about Munnar's scenic beauty and wealth of wildlife. Recently I came across this gem: "Visit Munnar - a heaven for wildlife". Ironically, that's exactly where Munnar's wildlife will end up if intrusive tourists have their way in this little, unspoilt haven.An executive friend once spiked this howler in a letter he had dictated to his myopicsecretary: "As one of our fiends and well-wishers, we invite you to our animal get-together.." And, funnily enough, a school timetable I picked up the other day listed Sundays as "holydays".Often a person's name is atrociously misspelt - very vexing for the victim but a source of mirth for others. A friend named Sinha was understandably peeved to receive a letter from a government office addressed to him as "Shri. Sinner".And a colleague with the surname Fonseca was not amused to find himself imaginatively rechristened as "Funseeker" in a letter from the local municipality. Likewise, names such as Kaul and Bhatt have reportedly degenerated to "Gall" and "Butt" respectively in the hands of careless clerks and typists, blissfully unaware of the damage inflicted by them.And, interestingly, I once found Frederick Forsyth's surname `refined' to "Farsight" in a bookseller's catalogue. In fact, my own surname has often been corrupted to "Nato" though I have had absolutely nothing to do with the NorthAtlantic Treaty Organisation.Watching an India-vs-England test match on TV a couple of years ago, I noticed a spectator waving a placard which read "AND THE WICKETS CAME KUMBLING DOWN!" My sharp eye was quick to spot the spelling error. "Look at that bloomer!" I all but exclaimed triumphantly - only to realise, in the nick of time, that it was an appreciative punster's way of honouring spinner Anil Kumble who was right then having a field-day.
