Spelling it out

Perhaps nothing ever takes such a ruthless bashing in our hands as English spelling - and often with hilarious results. Ignorance and, to a ...

Perhaps nothing ever takes such a ruthless bashing in our hands as English spelling 8211; and often with hilarious results. Ignorance and, to a lesser extent, carelessness are usually the culprits.

Travelling by bus the other day, I heard the conductor berate a couple of schoolboys for occupying a ladies8217; seat. quot;Can8217;t you read that?quot; he snapped irritably, pointing to the telltale notice above their heads: quot;For Laddies Onlyquot;. The relevance of the message was lost on the good boys who meekly vacated the seat.

A restaurant in Munnar, my home-town, has a prominent signboard reading quot;Fresh Pupps Availablequot;. However, the reference is not to any canine offspring but to the delicious mutton puffs sold there. And, of course, we have all heard about the quot;Fresh Snakesquot; offered by the well-intentioned snack-shop.

Then I came across this gem on a hotel signboard in Vellore, ostensibly proclaiming that meals were ready. quot;Males Readyquot;, it announced suggestively, raising visions of a bordello with gigolos oncall.

Talking of males, I once chanced upon a discarded poster emblazoned with the slogan quot;Down with Male Chavanism!quot; Obviously the work of a fiery feminist whose spelling skills did not match her zeal.

On the other hand, a resourceful college student used her spelling ingenuity to get rid of an undesired but persistent Romeo. Day after day, without fail, he kept slipping little love notes into the letter-box outside her hostel room. Then one day, as he dropped in yet another epistle, the white lettering caught his attention. It read quot;Litter-boxquot;, an i8217; having been deftly painted over the e8217;. That did snuff out his ardour.

Tourism brochures often wax eloquent about Munnar8217;s scenic beauty and wealth of wildlife. Recently I came across this gem: quot;Visit Munnar 8211; a heaven for wildlifequot;. Ironically, that8217;s exactly where Munnar8217;s wildlife will end up if intrusive tourists have their way in this little, unspoilt haven.

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An executive friend once spiked this howler in a letter he had dictated to his myopicsecretary: quot;As one of our fiends and well-wishers, we invite you to our animal get-together8230;.quot; And, funnily enough, a school timetable I picked up the other day listed Sundays as quot;holydaysquot;.

Often a person8217;s name is atrociously misspelt 8211; very vexing for the victim but a source of mirth for others. A friend named Sinha was understandably peeved to receive a letter from a government office addressed to him as quot;Shri. Sinnerquot;.

And a colleague with the surname Fonseca was not amused to find himself imaginatively rechristened as quot;Funseekerquot; in a letter from the local municipality. Likewise, names such as Kaul and Bhatt have reportedly degenerated to quot;Gallquot; and quot;Buttquot; respectively in the hands of careless clerks and typists, blissfully unaware of the damage inflicted by them.

And, interestingly, I once found Frederick Forsyth8217;s surname refined8217; to quot;Farsightquot; in a bookseller8217;s catalogue. In fact, my own surname has often been corrupted to quot;Natoquot; though I have had absolutely nothing to do with the NorthAtlantic Treaty Organisation.

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Watching an India-vs-England test match on TV a couple of years ago, I noticed a spectator waving a placard which read quot;AND THE WICKETS CAME KUMBLING DOWN!quot; My sharp eye was quick to spot the spelling error. quot;Look at that bloomer!quot; I all but exclaimed triumphantly 8211; only to realise, in the nick of time, that it was an appreciative punster8217;s way of honouring spinner Anil Kumble who was right then having a field-day.