(S)pell mell

Madam President on Bewitched Saturday and other stories

Dear J.K.(Rowling of course): now that you are bedone with Ron, Hermione and Harry, think you could spare your magical imagination to wish away certain treacherous TV news damp Squibs who revealed the end of your seventh book before we read it?

Perhaps you could “Avada Kedavra” them? (CNN-IBN beware.) Or “Reducio” them to “Silencio”, “Scourify” them of all evil, then liplock them in a passionate Dementor’s Kiss which will consign them to Azkaban and banish-vanish them forever (“Evanesco” may be employed for the same purpose). Meanwhile, protect us Muggles with “Protego Horribilis” (a shield charm against the darkest magic) and “Obscuro” our eyes so that we learn what happened when Harry met Lord Voldemort from your book and your book alone.

Personally I prefer “Crucio” to inflict maximum pain on the Squibs for ruining the excitement for all potential readers — especially young ones — of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Talk about killjoys. Some newspapers revealed Rowling’s closure of her seven-book saga on Sunday, also unforgivable. The media has been dishonourable and deserves the most benighted curses of Hogwarts.

Saturday was bewitched; so too Madam(e) President, Pratibha Patel. She appeared transfixed — had she been consulting Potter for a winning spell? In the event, she won comfortably and when news channels could break away from Potter, they counted the numbers that everyone knew would favour her (that did not stop them). And perhaps for the first time we heard from our future head of state without the assistance of her media masters or a written text. Humble suggestion: employ an English coach.

If Saturday was ‘President’ Patel and Potter’s day, last Monday belonged to the Casting Couch. For reasons beyond rational comprehension, Hindi news channels were spellbound by the prurient possibility that one male scribe had advanced sexually on one male singer who then publicly exposed him — in a letter to the media and subsequent interviews. Is this news fit to print or broadcast as national news on more than the ticker tape?

The thing with most Hindi news channels is that you must expect to see what you least expect to. And the award goes to India TV for the most ghastly, er, ghostly news stories. Last Thursday it had a boy charming a snake back to life or was it the other way around? What do they think the TV set is anyway, a bhoot bangla or saanp seedi?

Dr Shetty, we presume, thinks more highly of it. Shilpa was awarded an honorary doctorate from Leeds University for her contribution to cultural diversity. For appearing on Big Brother, being abused for cooking Indian curry and publicly proclaiming that she is proud to be an Indian — on the show? You don’t need to be a cerebral scientist to believe she ought to have won it for cultural chauvinism instead. Next recipient Rakhi Sawant?

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The lady contestant on The Great Laughter Challenge (Star One) deserves felicitations for taking the pants off Shekhar Suman. Though why she must then wear them is a gender-bender we would rather avoid. She would have been equally funny in a salwar, skirt or saree. Her choice. Wonderful, though, to see a woman cracking jokes at everyone including her own expense in a public competition till now marked For Men Only.

Second lastly, Star Cricket is no different from Star Sports-ESPN cricket coverage except that you get to watch much more of India playing abroad. If you really, really must. Allows them to then telecast the British Open Golf Championship, the Tour de France and Euro Grand Prix live at the same time for those who believe cricket is something that makes noises at night.

The last stroke goes to Bombay Lawyers, a new dramatised series on NDTV India, surely the first such fictional effort on a news channel. Not sure if this is a permanent fixture (in which case, why?) or a temporary measure till NDTV launches its entertainment channel (in which case, why, again?)