Shake Yer Booty

ONE fine New Year8217;s Eve party, when Mother Earth was well into her next spin around the sun, a crisis was at hand. While a dozen people...

ONE fine New Year8217;s Eve party, when Mother Earth was well into her next spin around the sun, a crisis was at hand. While a dozen people snored on couches and mattresses, two fellow survivors and I realised we had run out of mixers for our whisky8212;absolutely zilch cola, juice, soda, or even cold water.

Being at that delicate stage where neat alcohol would create prompt and noisy prostrations, and slightly wary of the unAquaguarded tap, yet not willing to go down without a fight, we formed a kitchen raiding party.

Bachelor larders being scroogey as they are, thus was born the Strawberry Jam Whisky Shot, cooled with freezer frost, garnished with a drop of vinegar. And if you think that sounds awful, the other options were tomato ketchup, mango pickle and soup powder8230;

The next morning, post hangover, I made a firm NY resolution to delve into the fine art of drink mixing. But the 8216;basic8217; guide to cocktails I picked up advised 28 pieces of bar equipment, 10 kinds of glasses, 21 essential spirits and liqueurs, 12 mixers, 18 garnishes8230;

Instantly renouncing material excess like the Buddha after a couple of stiff ones, I evolved a cocktail philosophy, mostly by experimenting on unsuspecting friends. The cardinal rule is that anything goes. Now I know there are people out there in the great WWW who blend flowers with alcohol, write cocktail music and poems, even get a sexual kick out of consuming shots of body secretions, but let8217;s not lose focus.

My mental cocktail bar stocks no more than six spirits and mixers each, and a handful of garnishes or disguisers, all of which get cosy in one trusty cocktail shaker. And forget sticking the pinky out; a highball and shot glass are all the range you need.

Whatever you use, make sure they8217;re commonly available and improvisable. I mean, why pine for Van der Hum when you have citrusy country liquor, or calvados when you can use Honey Bee and Appy? Yes, some folks may get high on snob value, but I won8217;t be hosting any P3 parties soon. It8217;s not about the ingredient, just the idea behind it.

HIGH TIDE

Tried and tested; does just what the label says! Shake and slake
LOST PLOT
Dark rum, 150 ml
Vodka, 150 ml
Guava juice, 300 ml
Red Bull, 250 ml
Ice cubes, 5-6
HOMEBOY
Santra country liquor, 375 ml
Apple juice, 250 ml
Thums Up, 250 ml
Juice of 3 limes
NUTCRACKER
Butterscotch ice cream, half-litre pack
Whisky, 375 ml
Honey, 3 tbsp
MICROPHONE
Cold milk, 400 ml
Coffee powder, 3 tsp
Vodka, 100 ml
Whisky, 100 ml
Tamarind paste or
ti taw ra, 1 tsp
Sugar, 3 tbsp

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This is the way it works. Arm yourself with a simple, everyday drink, like vodka or rum, in large measures of course8212;if all you want to taste is the mixer, please just have a glass of cola8212;and extrapolate. If vodka and feni both go with coconut water and lemonade, mix them all up. Link imagery: Rum is Caribbean and tropical8212;think heat, fruit, spice. So lace banana juice with lots of dark rum, honey and a pinch of nutmeg. Or try association: If faloodas can team milk and jelly, these ingredients deserve to be paired and combined with their spiritual partners8212;brandy and vodka.

As for flourishes, well8212;ice cubes, in general, are A Good Thing: Crush with kitchen towel and hammer if you want to soften and cool your drink, or use whole and strain to just drop the temperature of your concoction. Peg measures, meanwhile, belong with bell-bottoms and puffy hair. Your eyes are the best judge; a 1:3 ratio of spirit and mixer does nicely for a tall drink, 1:1 for shots. When you shake ingredients, aim to integrate their very molecules, not rock them to sleep. And when you serve, keep your guests guessing. Even Jam Shot victims will soon appreciate the alcoholic world8217;s natural symphonies.