It all started with the e-ticket. Book it online, take a photocopy, memorise the PIN number of the booking and, of course, photo identification. Now, all airlines advise passengers in bold and italics to carry valid photo identification. I guess that means I can’t use my Wimbledon Club Card to get on board the plane. I might lob a few tennis balls around and become a security hazard. So in my case I use a driver’s licence, which was made 15 years ago. Unfortunately, both I and the card have become older.On a flight, I lost the all-important credit card photocopy. On landing, an SMS informed me that I had used Rs 2 lakh from my card over the last one hour. It ended with the words, ‘Thanks for using our bank.’ I now fly with a Rs 4 lakh worth finger-print analyser, retina scanner, DNA tester security folder, in which I securely keep the credit card photocopy. But now there are other problems. The check-in counter lady looks at my licence and says: “ Who is this in the photograph? We ask for a valid photo ID.” Me: “But that is me, albeit 15 years ago, and no regional transport office would like to work hard enough to update my photograph.”“You could be impersonating the customer and be a threat to flight security,” the lady at the counter went on.Her observations led me to think up ways on how I should respond to her.SCENARIO ONE: “But, ma’m, I’m eighty years old and need two assistants to help me to the bathroom. How can I be a security risk?”“You could have sleeping gas in your ventilator, maybe even Sarin nerve gas. Security, get this man out of here.”“No, no. I have an appointment with my heart surgeon and my 18-year-old wife is waiting for me. Help!”SCENARIO TWO: “Oh you bought a Doberman! Have you registered it with the special dog cell?”SCENARIO THREE: “Ah! Transporting 30 tonnes of fertiliser? It could be used to make a bomb. Get it scanned at the secure manure department.”Happy flying!
