Scare scenarios

It all started with the e-ticket. Book it online, take a photocopy, memorise the PIN number of the booking and, of course, photo identification. Now, all airlines advise passengers in bold and italics to carry valid photo identification. I guess that means I can8217;t use my Wimbledon Club Card to get on board the plane. I might lob a few tennis balls around and become a security hazard. So in my case I use a driver8217;s licence, which was made 15 years ago. Unfortunately, both I and the card have become older.

On a flight, I lost the all-important credit card photocopy. On landing, an SMS informed me that I had used Rs 2 lakh from my card over the last one hour. It ended with the words, 8216;Thanks for using our bank.8217; I now fly with a Rs 4 lakh worth finger-print analyser, retina scanner, DNA tester security folder, in which I securely keep the credit card photocopy. But now there are other problems. The check-in counter lady looks at my licence and says: 8220; Who is this in the photograph? We ask for a valid photo ID.8221;

Me: 8220;But that is me, albeit 15 years ago, and no regional transport office would like to work hard enough to

update my photograph.8221;

8220;You could be impersonating the customer and be a threat to flight security,8221; the lady at the counter went on.

Her observations led me to think up ways on how I should respond to her8230;

SCENARIO ONE: 8220;But, ma8217;m, I8217;m eighty years old and need two assistants to help me to the bathroom. How can I be a security risk?8221;

8220;You could have sleeping gas in your ventilator, maybe even Sarin nerve gas. Security, get this man out of here.8221;

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8220;No, no8230; I have an appointment with my heart surgeon and my 18-year-old wife is waiting for me. Help!8221;

SCENARIO TWO: 8220;Oh you bought a Doberman! Have you registered it with the special dog cell?8221;

SCENARIO THREE: 8220;Ah! Transporting 30 tonnes of fertiliser? It could be used to make a bomb. Get it scanned at the secure manure department.8221;

Happy flying!