Kindergarten KO

My pals promised puke and pee. A colleague told tales of glass-shattering wails. My aunt brushed off my rising bile with 8216;cho-chweet8217; platitudes. Heck, even when I tried to tune off with TV, there was Arnie getting KO-ed in Kindergarten Cop.

I was designated guinea pig at new International Baccalaureate School, Hillspring International in South Mumbai. But director Fatimah Agarkar wife of cricketer Ajit insisted on a screening before thrusting me on her wards. Glass doors slid open onto air-conditioned corridors. Multi-layered classrooms with individual lockers, computers, an audio library, amphitheatre, low-level loos8212;8217;twas Gulliver8217;s paradise. Especially since no Lilliputians were around.

8220;No experience, first-time offender,8221; I confessed. No maths either, only the figure 27 looming the number of under two-footers. Story-telling seemed smooth, till: 8220;Don8217;t read from the book. Make eye contact. Use simple words. And explanatory gestures.8221; Gulp.

The dollhouse perfection didn8217;t conjure up Amelia Jane tantrums. But the nippers weren8217;t school-broken yet. So I asked a 8216;homeroom teacher8217; if I8217;d be alone. Au contraire, four Big Sisters would be watching.

I flipped through the library8217;s tales of various blondes rescued by princes; I scuttled away, clutching Beauty and the Beast. However, the tale of the PYT and her deformed beau had all politically correct bones revolting. So I concocted an Indianised modern-day saga, with shared housework, computer careers and costume parties. All to keep nightmares of the mini-sized mob at bay.

The day dawned gloomy, rain gods playing skittles with trees and trains alike. Shakespeare couldn8217;t have essayed pathetic fallacy better, I groaned, gearing for my close encounter of the petrified kind. School was well underway, with 27 Duracell-powered striplings clambering around. One pig-tailed pygmy pressed her nose against the windowpane, turning let-me-outta-here eyes on me. 8220;I8217;m with you, kid,8221; I vibed back, just as the door opened and Agarkar asked the tots for 8220;permission8221; to enter.

An explosion of noise. And the rest was played out in fast-forward mode. 8220;Hello auntie8230; Good mor-rning ma8217;am8230; That8217;s my chair8230; Ow, that8217;s my hair.8217;8217; The teachers obviously Hogwarts-trained restored a dubious order as I pushed jelly-feet to the fore, using the book as shield. 8220;I know that story,8221; yelped a plump punklet, just as I prepared for take-off. 8220;No you don8217;t,8221; I shot back at Ms Know-It-All, 8220;It8217;s about Sulekha, Ranjit and the rakshas mask.8221;

Blast the interaction, I8217;d be lucky to hog attention for five moral-infused seconds. Debating days hadn8217;t prepared me for a back-bencher crooning to herself. Or that chit who looked like he8217;d bawl any moment. 8220;I have a lion mask8230; I can8217;t see the picture8230;8221; the cries mounted.

Hanging all sub-plots, I upped the decibel level. As I changed 14 voices in three sentences and contorted every face muscle, I was hazily aware of the patient lensman sorting out wiggling minors, their paws reaching for the colourful book8212;and me.

In the midst of steam-rolling interruptions, the irony hit me. Along with Sulekha and Ranjit, I was confronting my own demons. In the dull distance, I heard the teachers lead a The End applause. And just as I thought my homily on shy Ranjit8217;s mask had struck home, one Turk hollered: 8220;I can kill the rakshas!8221;

Parole time for the 8220;pretty princesses and smart soldiers8221; one tale does not a stereotype break. Amidst bellows of 8220;where8217;s my water bottle8221; and 8220;I want more plasticine8221;, they stomped out. And I followed8212;dazed, pinning on a badge of tentative pride. It had all passed in a blur but I8217;d survived! Maybe the vaccine dose had cured me.

The ever-gracious Agarkar waved goodbye, saying, 8220;The teachers said you were great. Do come back.8221; Reality slammed back like a dumpster attack. Some phobias, one has to live with. I turned and fled.