Indian idol: Search continues

P Chidambaram (dressed in trademark white, with an extra layer of starch in his dhoti, walks in as if he is about to present the National Budget. He clears his throat as the judges wait expectantly): ‘Main hoon na…Main hooooon na…Main hooooooooon na…’

Judges: Go on, Mr Chidambaram. We’re waiting for the whole song.

Chidambaram: Swami kadavule, unfortunately that’s all that I know of the song. However, I can always sing some numbers from the fisc, if you want. (He’s quickly hustled out.)

Judges: Next contestant, please.

(A B Vajpayee and L K Advani are wheeled in. They are to do a duet, the judges have been informed. After an interminable silence, Vajpayee begins…)

Vajpayee: At first I thought I should sing from one of my poems…

Judges: Sir, please remember this is a singing competition, not a shairi.

Vajpayee: As you please. My choice is from 1942: A Love Story, and it is addressed to my companion in distress. ‘Kuchh naa kaho, kuchh bhi naa kaho/Kyaa kahana hai, kya sunanaa hai/Humko pataa hai, tumko pataa hai/Samay ka ye pal, tham saa gayaa hai/Aur is pal mein, koee naheen hai/Bas ek main hoon, bas ek tum ho…’ Just one individual like me, just one individual like you…(he falters for a minute and his partner takes it up from there).

Advani: My song is a response to Atalji and it is called ‘Yeh safar bahut hai…’: ‘Dil na-umeed to nahin, nakaam hi to hai/Lambi hai gham ki sham, magar shaam hi to hai’. Let me translate for my Southern voters, sorry brethren. ‘Don’t let your heart despair, to do so is utterly futile/ Grief’s evening is long, but it’s only an evening’. ‘Na udaas ho mere hamsafar/yeh sitam ki raat hai dhalne ko’. ‘Don’t despair my fellow traveller/This is the night of tyranny, let it pass.

Judges: Good. Sung with conviction and emotion. Next.

(Sonia Gandhi comes in, looking sensational as usual. She’s dressed like Kareena Kapoor. She does a little twirl for the judges.)

Sonia: I would like to sing a song that has now come to be the party’s anthem (she does another little twirl and begins): ‘Keh do na, keh do na, I am your Sonia/Keh do na, keh do na, I am your Sonia’…

Judges: That’s good, Madam, but we need the whole song.

Sonia: Is that so? Well, this is all that my scriptwriters have written out for me. You can take it or leave it (and she storms out).

Judges: Next contestant, please.

Uma Bharati: Namaskar, Uma is my name, Fiery Sanyasin is my fame. My song expresses the inner anguish of a daughter thrown out of her home on Diwali night. ‘Churaliya hai tumne jo kursi ko/ Nazar nahin churaana sanam’. (She breaks down bawling.) They have stolen my chief minister’s chair and thrown me to the wilds…

Judges: Madam, madam, please get yourself together, madam. We are here to judge your singing skills, not your powers of hysterics. Please have the contestant led out. Next.

(In walks Laloo Prasad Yadav dressed like Shammi Kapoor with a spittoon in one hand and a harmonica in the other.)

Laloo: ‘Yahoo! Yahoo!’ (he then takes aim at the brass receptacle in his hand, plays a couple of notes on his mouth organ). ‘Chahe koi mujhe junglee kahe/Kehne do jee kehta rahe/Hum politics ke toofaanon mein ghire hain, hum kya karen’ (another aim at the spittoon, another swig at the mouth organ…)

So compelling was the spittoon-harmonica-yahoo act that the audience roared its approval.

Judges: Well, it looks like Mr Yadav has clearly won this round. His is what we could call a spit-and-polish performance. That’s it for today, folks.