Excerpts From the Spanish Diary

April 2
Offered role to Scarlett Johansson. Said before she could accept, script must be approved by her agent, then by her mother. Following that it must be approved by her agent8217;s mother. In middle of negotiation she changed agents8212;then changed mothers. She8217;s gifted but can be a handful.

June 5
Shooting got off to a shaky start. Rebecca Hall, though in her first major role, is more temperamental than I thought and had me barred from the set. I had to disguise as man delivering lunch to sneak back on the set.

June 15
Shot a torrid love scene today between Scarlett and Javier. A scant few years ago, I would have played Javier8217;s part. Scarlett came late to the set. I lectured her rather sternly. She listened respectfully, although as I spoke I thought I noticed her turning up her iPod.

July 3
Scarlett came to me today with one of those questions actors ask, 8220;What8217;s my motivation?8221; I shot back, 8220;Your salary.8221; She said fine but that she needed a lot more motivation to continue. About triple. Otherwise she threatened to walk. I called her bluff and walked first. Then she walked. Now we were rather far apart and had to yell to be heard. Then she threatened to hop. I hopped too, and soon we were at an impasse. At the impasse I ran into friends, and we all drank, and of course I got stuck with the cheque.

July 15
Once again I had to help Javier with the lovemaking scenes. The sequence requires him to grab Peneacute;lope Cruz, tear off her clothes and ravish her in the bedroom. Oscar winner that he is, the man still needs me to show him how to play passion. I grabbed Peneacute;lope and with one motion tore her clothes off. I flung her down before the fireplace and dove on top of her. Minx that she is, she rolled away a split second before I landed, causing me to fracture certain key teeth on the tile floor. I should be able to eat solids by August.

July 30
Dailies looking rather brilliant. Probably too early to start planning Academy campaign. Still, a few notes for an acceptance speech might just save me some time later.

Aug 3
Is it any wonder then that as the weeks have passed, Scarlett and Peneacute;lope have both developed crushes on me? I notice poor Javier looking on enviously as the actresses bed me with their eyes. I never like mixing business with pleasure, but I may have to slake the lust of each one in turn to get the film completed. Perhaps I can give Peneacute;lope Wednesdays and Fridays, satisfying Scarlett Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Aug 20
Made love with Scarlett and Peneacute;lope simultaneously in an effort to keep them happy. Meacute;nage gave me great idea for the climax of the movie. Rebecca kept pounding on the door, and I finally let her in, but those Spanish beds are too small to handle four, and when she joined, I kept getting bounced to the floor.

Aug 25
End production today. Wrap party as usual a little sad. Slow danced with Scarlett. Broke her toe. Peneacute;lope and Javier anxious to work with me again. Goodbye drink with Rebecca. Everyone in cast and crew chipped in and bought me a ballpoint pen. Have decided to call film 8220;Vicky Cristina Barcelona.8221; Studio heads have seen all the dailies. Apparently they love every frame, and there is talk of opening it at a leper colony. It8217;s lonely at the top.
8212; NYT