Do we need a foreign policy?

Dear Public of India who do not watch TV: You are worried about corruption, state oppression, poor education (in government schools where unionised teachers do not show up while sending their own children to private schools), poor healthcare centres (where doctors do not show up and medicines are stolen), poor water supply (as ground water aquifers are exploited by the rich who call themselves farmers getting free power and subsidised diesel), poor sanitation and clogged drains which are a necessary element of our Indic/ Vedic/ Vedantic/ Hindutvic/ Composite Cultural/ Socialistic traditions which we cannot abandon. We have not been able to address your real problems; we have focused on Foreign Policy as my cabinet members and I get classy banquets when abroad. Foreigners, who have no sanitation problems appreciate us! Now NAM is dead and the UN (which does not give us Security Council membership, putting us at the same level as Burundi), the World Bank and IMF (which gave “tax-free dollar pensions” to our IAS officers) are defunct; it makes sense to abandon Foreign Policy and focus our energies on trying to improve your lot with large doses of rhetoric.

Dear President Musharraf and Miscellaneous Pakistani Leaders: We have had meetings (inter-ministerial, inter-secretarial and back-channel) and summits. We have not resolved any issues. Your approach to Indo-Pak relations (for example, whether to increase support for cross-border terrorism) is dependent on your domestic politics and the changing relationships between your army, the ISI, politicians and jihadist groups. We can influence none of them. It is better to abandon government-to-government discussions and focus on cricket, Sufi music and other pointless areas that you can think of.

Dear Bangladesh President (whose name slips me): The Global Warming alarmist-experts tell us that your country is sinking. The only issue worth discussing between our two countries is a rational work-permit based migration policy. But since this subject is taboo on both sides, let us stop having meetings.

Dear Myanmar Junta: We don’t know who you are. Till now we have talked to illusions (in keeping with our traditions of faith in Maya). But our old allies, the comrades, and our new allies, the SP, have told us that Maya is unacceptable. We need to follow materialism, dialectically or otherwise. Hence we shall discontinue these illusory discussions.

Dear Sri Lankan Leaders: After losing 1000 IPKF soldiers and our leader Rajiv, our people are tired of your country. If you insist, we can give visas to some fishermen and ask them to settle in Kachhathivu.

Regretfully, we are unwilling and unable to do anything more.

Dear Maoists, Madhesis and others of Nepal: We have our own problems in Darjeeling. We wish you luck. Do us a favour. Get off the front pages of newspapers. Op-eds, which no one reads, are quite OK.

Dear Chinese Leaders: It was OK to be Bhai-Bhai until Bollywood began equating “Bhai” with underworld dons. We have various problems. McMohan Line, Aksai Chin, Ladakh, Sikkim, Dalai Lama, Tibet, Arunachal Pradesh, Tawang, support for Pakistani missiles and bombs… It is best to leave these problems to God (who you don’t believe in and who my countrymen believe in aggressively). In the meantime, you have my assurance that we will make sure that Bombay (sorry, Mumbai) will remain worse than the worst shanty in Shanghai. This is our promise to your people and ours. Given this, I believe there is no need for any foreign policy between us.

Dear President Bush and Presidents-in-waiting McCain-Obama: For 34 years you have denied us dual-use technology, uranium, supercomputers, reactors and blocked visits by our scientists. You have arm-twisted Australia not to sell us uranium, France not to sell us Heavy Water and Russia not to sell us Cryogenic Engines. You want to change. We don’t. We prefer that you arm Pakistan and support China in supporting Pakistan. We are traditionalists opposed to changing a 34-year-old tradition.

Dear Former President Putin’s flunkey (I forget your name): We liked you when Bulganin and Khrushchev ruled you. Why don’t you adopt dynastic politics and invite Bulganin’s son and Khrushchev’s daughter to rule you? Then and only then will we have a foreign policy towards you.

Dear President Sarkozy: We would like you to send a French Regiment to invade Pondicherry (sorry Puducherry), Karaikal, Mahe, Yanam and Chandernagore. Until you do this, we will do “katti”. We will have a foreign policy only vis-a-vis imperialist aggressors. As we say, in our government files, “please issue orders to do the needful”.

Dear Prime Minister Brown: Most of my ministers and secretaries like to go to Wimbledon and Lords; we need a policy towards you if I am not to have a revolt in my cabinet and civil service. After deliberation, I have decided to outsource Indo-British foreign policy to Lakshmi Mittal, Ratan Tata and Shilpa Shetty. Indians are world-beaters in outsourcing. Our businesspersons and film stars will not let either of us down.

Dear Indian Foreign Service

Officers: Don’t worry about job security. I plan to start a new “Ministry of Coalition and Outside Allies”. Your diplomatic skills will be useful in helping my government deal with Comrades Karat/ Yechury/ Bardhan, Writer Karunanidhi, Poet Kanimozhi, Farmer Pawar, Pilot Patel, Railwayman Lalu, Disgruntled Yadav, Now-in-now-out TRS Leaders, Father-Daughter PDP duo, Now-in-jail-now-out JMM Leaders and our latest friends from the SP. “Coalition and Allied Affairs” is far better than boring “Foreign Affairs”. Do not worry about foreign trips and access to duty-free goods. You will accompany these leaders on foreign junkets which will please them no end and help you keep up the life-style that you are accustomed to. Officers accompanying the Comrades will of course have to go to Cuba and North Korea. You can bring back duty-free Cuban cigars and enriched uranium in your hand luggage.

The writer divides his time between Mumbai and Bangalore

jerry.raoexpressindia.com