Coalition Cola: taste the thunder

ME: Thank you, Madame.

ATAL BIHARI VAJPAYEE: Naye saal ki mubaraak, aap ko.

ME: Shukriya, Vajayeeji.

SONIA: By the way, I hope that Insufferable Poet, who has taken our country to rack and ruin, hasn’t called you up yet.

ME: Uh-huh.

ATAL BIHARI: By the way, I hope that videshi nari, who wants to take our country to rack and ruin, hasn’t rung you up yet.

ME: Uh-huh.

SONIA: Let me come straight to the point. We are in the process of forming a Grand Alliance to take on those nincompoops in the NDA and invite you to join us in our endeavour to become the ruling coalition of India.

ME: Me?

ATAL BIHARI: Like a teer, I come straight to the point. I am in the process of firming up our Grand Coalition to ensure that those Congresswallahs and their ragtag band do not upset our plans to win another term and therefore invite you to join us.

ME: Me?

SONIA: Every party, formation, semi-formation, potential formation who is against Them is most welcome to become part of Us.

ME: Oh!

ATAL BIHARI: Every bit and piece that we can collect together against That Woman is most welcome to join us.

ME: Oh!

SONIA: We have already spoken to Paswanji, Mayawatiji, Karunanidhiji, Harkishen Singhji, and now plan to speak to Sharadji and Mamataji.

ME: Oh!

ATAL BIHARI: We have already spoken to Naiduji, Thackerayji, Mulayamji, Mamataji, and now plan to speak to Sharadji and Jayalalithaaji.

ME: Oh!

SONIA: And we are making good progress. Paswanji will join in if Mayawatiji is kept out, and Mayawatiji will join in if Paswanji is kept out. Harkishenji will join in if we don’t target his party in West Bengal and Kerala and Karunanidhiji will join us if we target Jayalalithaaji in Tamil Nadu. Sharadji is expected to join in if we make him a minister and give Maharashtra to him while Mamataji should join us if we put a bullet through Harkishenji and give her West Bengal to run.

ME: Oh!

ATAL BIHARI: And we are making great progress, despite our friends, the DMK and MDMK, walking out on us. Naiduji will support us provided we help him win the Andhra elections and then give him subsidised rice by the ton which we will later buy from him by the ton as part of our foodgrain procurement scheme. Thackerayji will join us if we don’t get Chhagan Bhujbal on board and Mulayamji will join us if we don’t get Mayawatiji on board. As for Jayalalithaaji, I am still trying to muster up the courage to talk to her.

ME: Oh!

SONIA: Our coalition is looking up, I promise. After all, when one is flat on one’s back one has to look up. And this is why we need you to join us.

ATAL BIHARI: Our coalition is standing, I assure you, despite its weak knees. So please join us to get this country back on its knees.

Of course I thanked them both for their kind invitations which I reluctantly had to refuse. Given what is on offer, I suppose one has to be profoundly grateful that only one of these two proposed coalitions will finally come to power.