It’s Marred Khan

CAST: Akshay Kumar,Katrina Kaif,Akshaye Khanna

rating: **

Five minutes into the film,and I wanted to flee. At which point I decided to suspend every single critical faculty,lie back,and see where Tees Maar Khan took me. And I am here to report that it propelled me to a place where I had to search long and hard for my brains,them having been bludgeoned into submission by an unending onslaught of puerile gags and harebrained characters defined by their stunningly slim lines,not too many and not too tough. This is not a film,you can tell quite quickly,which has a long and complicated script.

So everyone in the film is instructed to call Akshay Kumar Tees Maar Khan,including Kumar himself,just in case he forgets who he is,even if he’s the kind of crack thief who can get his handcuffs off in a second. His big task in the film is to loot money off a train,manned by a bunch of bumbling cops. He is helped by his sidekicks — a knock-out bimbette (Kaif),an Oscar-crazy hero (Khanna) and a whole posse of villagers. Then there are a couple of star turns by Salman Khan (all the better to make Kat jokes) and Anil Kapoor (who else can be made the butt of Oscar jokes?).

This kind of madcap plot where everything (and everyone) is stirred together till the masala is just right is what Farah Khan did well in Main Hoon Na,and most of Om Shanti Om. Her unapologetic Bollywood shtick and her large star-studded dance ensembles made both the films complete entertainers. I can happily see Put your hands from Om Shanti Om in a loop. Tees Maar Khan could have been a corker because it is a take-off of After the Fox,a great Peter Sellers farce of 1966. But it is hobbled by poor,tasteless writing,and a leading man who seems to have lost his sense of comic timing.

The two people who help you make it through,just about,are Khanna and Kaif. The former plays a top star desperate for an Oscar,dying every time he sees Anil Kapoor (post the Slumdog win) jig on TV. The latter is an item girl who plays silly with such abandon that you can’t help smile,even in that Shake It Till It Drops Sheila Item Number,which,pssst,comes very soon after the film opens.

Tees Maar Khan will go down as the movie which got Kaif to say lakhtey jigar. No,really. And when she goes “nahiiiiiiin”,in classic Hindi filmy heroine pose,she makes you laugh.The rest is wince-making.