The viewer-friendly toaster

quot;And now we take you over to a hatchery near Pune where hens are laying not only more eggs but bigger eggs too!quot; the Doordarshan n...

quot;And now we take you over to a hatchery near Pune where hens are laying not only more eggs but bigger eggs too!quot; the Doordarshan newsreader announced with a merry twinkle in his eye, winding up the bulletin, quot;and all the credit goes to Dara the rooster8230; Unfortunately the owner refused to reveal Dara8217;s pedigree and nationality.quot; Then a close-up of the cock strutting about majestically in the pen surrounded by clucking hens was shown. He winked and said, quot;Lucky fellow!quot; The Doordarshan babus weren8217;t amused and he was promptly sacked. This was in the eighties.

In 1992, Miss Tsitsi and Miss Moreen, co-anchors on Zimbabwe TV, lost their composure while the latter was reading a news report about a woman who gave birth in the bathroom of a train. The script described how the newborn fell through the toilet but survived. At this point Tsitsi giggled and both the girls then burst into laughter. Humour, dark or otherwise, wasn8217;t on the government8217;s agenda. quot;The co-anchors will not appear on this channel again,quot; was the official verdict.

Times have changed. The likes of Tsitsi and Moreen wouldn8217;t lose their jobs for a minor misdemeanour on our channels. Rapid commercialisation is pulling Indian TV away from the serious, no-nonsense European news format towards the lighthearted, often trivialised reportage of American networks. Wasn8217;t it Mark Fowler, Reagan8217;s communications expert, who described TV as quot;just another home appliance; a toaster with a picturequot;?

So we should expect a big change. News would be treated as entertainment rather than food for thought. The following scenario is desi, the year is 2000, the events may have happened in 1997, the news show is called Khabarnama and its presenters are a boyfriend-girlfriend duo, Bubbles and Bablee. Since they do not have time for in-depth reportage ads appear every 120 second the show runs like an ack-ack gun. It comes on the air with a roll of drums:

Bubbles: So what if one more government has been brought down by the Congress party? Wait and watch, we will have another coalition very soon, says Sitaram Kesri. We see a cocky Kesri baring his gums at the camera, and also hear children reciting an old ditty in the background8230;quot;Akbar bakkar bhambe bhaw, assi nabbay pooray saw8230;quot; An ad for a bubble gum comes on the air.

Bablee next item: Iraq-US war hots up swords clashing, war cries and soundbites from Hollywood war movies. Saddam fires Super-Scuds at USS Jimmy Carter. Viewers get an aerial view of an aircraft carrier with a gaping hole in the flight deck. Kishore Kumar laments in the background, Yeh kya hua, kaise hua! And an ad for a cooling soft drink takes over.

Bubbles to the sound of trumpets: Miss Bonanza Devi wins Miss Globe contest in Ougadougou, Upper Volta! A clip of tribals dancing around her is shown as the Big Chief places a cow-horn crown on Miss Globe8217;s head. The scene quickly shifts to a mohalla in Hyerabad where her father is dancing with his family in the lane, but he is too sozzled to answer the correspondent8217;s penetrating questions. And a spate of face cream and padded bra ads hit the air.

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Bablee: Also in the news8230; L.K. Advani calls it a day! The camera zooms in on his moustache which wiggles violently as he speaks with emotion, quot;It8217;s my personal deeceeyun, my party has nothing to do with it.quot; And now wequot;ll bring you some reactions:

Gujral: No comment. It8217;s Advaniji8217;s personal disiyun.

Deve Gowda he blinks and croaks: I have nothing to do with Mr Advani8217;s digishun.

Mayawati waves her fist: Good desi-jun, bad desi-jun, how does it matter? But I warn Advani it8217;ll be bad news if he decides to settle in Ayodhya. Jai Hind! An ad for boxing gloves comes on.