Stars 038; Gripes

So what did I want? Well, I average about four hours of sleep every night. My problem: I think too much8212;can8217;t switch off the machinations in my head. Years ago, an old, wilting palmist had warned that without a couple more winks I would, eventually, go crazy. So now my night-time speculations include worries about losing my sanity.

But with a new year waiting on the doorstep, I thought perhaps it was time to try something slightly more revolutionary than sheep counting warm milk8217;s no option for the lactose intolerant. Therefore, the astro shrink.

So, on a bright morning last week, I found myself on Khera8217;s plush red sofa, opposite chilled Pepsi and crunchy mixture, talking about the stresses that had manifested in my eyes and bowel.

With just my time/date and place of birth, Khera created a nine-page document on my various problems8212;restlessness, highly emotional, insecurity, negativity8230;! All, unfortunate but true. 8220;The timings are like my stethoscope, I know 90 per cent of who you are from them.8221;

Thankfully, before my meagre provision of confidence ran out, he also mentioned that I was a 8220;gentle, shy, clever and analytical woman8221;.

My problems, according to Khera, were born in the skies. Apparently, the conspiracy began with the time of my birth. Supposedly, my restlessness and emotional turmoil can be traced to the coming of the moon into the Saturn house gobbledygook to me at that moment. 8220;Negative energies are going to create havoc inside you if you don8217;t start doing something about it now,8221; he said.

The 8216;doing8217; obviously was the hard part, especially for someone who also apparently tends towards 8220;laziness and complacency8221;. But solutions are, he says, his forte. As he nodded with an I-know-how-screwy-you-are-but-there8217;s-hope look on his face, I told him about how it was all true8212;the brain that wouldn8217;t shut up, the piling up of the things that were wrong etc. etc.

Khera8217;s solution to my outpourings: 8220;Learn the art of placement, keep people in their place, and8212;get a body massage.8221; The massage, he promised would calm me down, and he also suggested having good long chats with myself to pick up the art of getting expressive.

Khera predicted another emotional rollercoaster for 2005, but instructed a strict regimen of discipline8212;Art of Living courses and practising non-violent sports like golf or croquet8212;to induce the calmness I need for a quiet night.

Despite the loopiness of the croquet suggestion, Khera was, scarily enough, bang on with everything else. And for all the oddness of using a man who deals in high-pressure hydraulic hoses as a sounding board for the messes of your life, when a stranger tells you everything8217;s gonna be just fine, you believe him. I, for one, am already looking forward to the 365 nights of 2005.

You could also catch an appointment with the stargazer on 022-2554 9959