Oh, what a funny war!

My name is nobody. Back home, they call me Duby... oops but out here, I cannot disclose my identity: my movements are restricted and my br...

My name is nobody. Back home, they call me Duby8230; oops but out here, I cannot disclose my identity: my movements are restricted and my broadcasts monitored personally by Sadman Hussein.

Always supposing the man we saw on Iraqi TV is the terrible tyrant of the Tigris. I cannot confirm until Pentagon completes DNA tests on videotapes of him, and matches them with blueprints of his cell structure smuggled out by Inspector Blix in the absence of chemical weapons.

Right now I want to give you my precise position. I8217;m in bed with the 100th Cavalry of the 200th Artillery Division known as Desert Bats. More I can8217;t reveal because as every man who8217;s ever slept with woman knows 8212; never expose your flanks.

I can8217;t tell you exactly what is happening because I don8217;t know anything. I maybe standing in a hole which was once the President8217;s toilet. The Bats and I encountered a pocket of stiff resistance at the palace bathroom door until an M-1 AZ tank howitzer blasted it open. We suffered no casualties because we8217;re the good guys and good guys don8217;t die in lavatories.

The enemy has been exterminated. I can8217;t show you their gruesome remains because I don8217;t want to spoil your supper. By my watch, still set to EST, it8217;s 7 p.m. and what wouldn8217;t I give for pack of six and a pizza the size of Italy can we eat pizzas? Are Italians part of coalition which includes the Canary Islands? I don8217;t know why they sent me to cover this war when I don8217;t know anything. Maybe that8217;s why they sent me.

Where are the welcoming Iraqis? Well, I know they are there 8212; for sure 8212; because I saw them on CNN, tearing down the Statue of Liberty, sorry the statue of Sadman but the only welcome we8217;ve received came from friendly fire.

Behind me is a burnt out tank of the liberating forces of Operation Freedom which I saw attacked by a snake no, Cobra helicopter. However, I cannot certify the evidence because unless Rummy says it happened it didn8217;t happen.

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You want to see dirty pictures of the war, Kim? Switch to All that Jazeera. I8217;d say it should be banned. Those hooded characters treat war like it8217;s child pornography. What else would you call little boys without limbs? Now, we have to go for a break but don8217;t go away, truth about this war continues on CBN.

Welcome back. I stand next to Betsy, my Gypsy jeep, named after my wife because she gives me a rough ride too. I am sweating profusely on account of my gas mask and biological suit.

We wear these at all times, even when we have to visit the bush no disrespect Mr. President if you8217;re watching me alongside your charming wife Barbara, oh no that8217;s your mother8230;. Never know when Mad Sad may cross the thin line red which exists only in his mind.

No WMDs other than the ones we8217;ve dropped have been detected anywhere so far, but hang on8230; What8217;s that, Kim? There8217;s 8216;8216;Breaking News8217;8217; from the Central Command in Doha that chemicals could be buried along with the millions killed by Sadman. We8217;re hearing a very special unit of highly trained undertakers are being flown into Baghdad this very second.

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What you8217;re seeing, right now, is live and exclusive smoke rising from a bomb. Guess you can see that as well as I can. Kim.

Have I seen any Republicans? No Kim, my guess is they8217;re all in Washington I8217;m real disappointed by this war. No Sadman Hussein, no Republican Guards, no uprisings, no WMDs, hardly any casualties. I suspect it8217;s that chappy Al Sahaf8217;s fault, the one who says there8217;s a coalition of 8216;8216;snakes, mercenaries, villains, racists, colonisers and invaders8217;8217; in the desert.

Me? I see nothing but a few G.I Joes. Let8217;s decapitate him. Kim?