New winter games

It has become fashionable to attack politicians, decry their venal nature, make indignant noises about their double-crossing ways, and even...

It has become fashionable to attack politicians, decry their venal nature, make indignant noises about their double-crossing ways, and even on occasion raise doubts about their parentage. This, I think, is in extremely poor taste.

The fault, it seems to me, lies not in them but in ourselves. Just because we vote them in, we expect them to be selfless and caring and sincere and committed and to exhibit a whole lot of other utterly senseless attributes. So when they are not selfless and caring and sincere and committed (as they generally are not) we attack them, decry their venal nature, make indignant noises about their double-crossing ways, and even raise doubts about their parentage. It is a vicious circle that is not doing anyone any good.

To suggest a way out of the impasse, I propose that from now on we change tack and appreciate this lot for what they do best. The more venal they are, the more we must learn to admire them. Instead of expecting them to nurse their constituencies, we must admire the manner in which they nurse themselves. This revolutionary, de-value-based approach to politics transformed my life. Suddenly I noticed hidden virtues in my friendly neighbourhood MLA. Like a remarkable ability to play games, for instance.

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There are three broad categories of sport that are currently being played by politicians in the Capital….

KABADDI, KABADDI, KABADDI…

This is the all-time favourite in this city on the Yamuna and can be played by two political parties (although coalition partners may also join in). Teams stand on either side of the court. Members of one group then make quick, discreet incursions into the territory of the other. That side then tries its best to grab these intruders and capture them as part of their group.

All this needs more than simple dexterity and speed. It requires a hidden quality called M & M, or money and muscle power. The winning side then rushes to the Speaker of the House and presents its claim to form the government. We have had great kabaddi players in the history of this country, but this season’s gold medal belongs rightly to the honorable chief minister of Uttar Pradesh, Shri Kalyan Singh, who has displayed exemplary standards in the game.

FLOOR CROSSING FANTASIA

Every Indian is familiar with this sport, which dates back to the hoary days of the 1960s when the speed and timing of two phenomenal athletes, Shri Aya Ram and Shri Gaya Ram, gave Indian speedster Milkha Singh a run for his money. The rules are simple. Players, comprising a third of their team, first weigh the PPP, or purchasing power parity, of the opposing team vis-a-vis their own. If they are convinced that their opponents have a better chance of coming to power, they wait for an opportune moment and stealthily make their way to the opposite side.

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The trick is really to come up with the best possible excuse for stabbing your erstwhile teammates in the back. Some mumbo-jumbo about the country’s future being at stake is usually resorted to. The veterans of this game are people like Ajit Singh. Others, like that exceptional Delhi legislator, Ramvir Singh Bidhuri, have shown even greater stamina. Bidhuri has seen the insides of the Congress, the Janata Dal, the Congress again, the BSP, and the Congress yet again in the course of a few years. Through sheer stamina, he has established his concern for his country’s future for all time to come.

GETTING THEM IN SPLITS

This is really a mind game, a deadly test of nerves and brinkmanship. The idea is to destablise your opponent’s team by letting it get around that it is on the verge of splitting. The team under attack then launches a counter-offensive and the game carries on until one of them really splits.There are really no rules for this game. Anything goes, from lies and subterfuge to the assassination of reputations. The intention really is for each team to try and project itself as stronger than that of their opponents. At the moment it is the BJP and the Congress that are locked thus in mortal combat.

Make no mistake. All this has very little to do with principled politics, but why bring politics or principles into the country’s politics? If our politicians cannot provide us with good governance, they are at least doing their best to provide us with some great sporting action, complete with split-second finishes. And all this for the greater glory of the country. This is more than our athletes ever did.