He beat it, now what?

Why do you suppose Michael Jackson looked almost as unhappy leaving the Santa Maria, Calif., courthouse with 10 acquittals in his pocket as ...

Why do you suppose Michael Jackson looked almost as unhappy leaving the Santa Maria, Calif., courthouse with 10 acquittals in his pocket as he did when he walked in maybe 45 minutes earlier with 10 criminal charges over his head? He8217;s a smart businessman; even in his relief, I expect he was scanning his options: What to do after an acquittal that arguably leaves him with fewer good choices than other people have after a conviction?

8226; The Arbuckle option: Slapstick master Roscoe Arbuckle 8212; 8216;8216;Fatty8217;8217; to silent-film fans 8212; was tried three times and finally acquitted on charges of killing a 8216;8216;starlet8217;8217; the word had quote marks around it even then during a weekend bender. Nonetheless, he was damaged goods. Even his run-of-the-mill eccentricities 8212; like an extra-big Pierce-Arrow to make him look daintier 8212; were marshaled as evidence of suspect character. He wound up directing two-reelers under the pseudonym Will B Goodrich 8212; Will B. Good, get it? 8212; and later just William Goodrich.

And what of post-acquittal career prospects for Jackson, whose eccentricities tip over into the diagnostic? The now-what speculation is that the Jackson Five could reunite for a 8216;8216;family values8217;8217; overseas tour. Or Jackson could play Vegas, if Vegas will have him. Whatever his oddities, Jackson is immensely talented, and the ultimate Arbuckle incarnation would be offstage, off-mike 8212; as a music producer.

8226; The Colson option: Charles Colson was a Nixon White House lawyer who went to prison for his part in the Watergate crimes. There, he found Jesus and began a Christian counseling programme.

Jackson, unconfined, might practice his Jehovah8217;s Witness faith more publicly, as a gesture of sincerity. Answer your doorbell 8212; it might be Jackson with a copy of The Watchtower.

8226; The Martha Stewart option: Single glove or double oven mitts, both Stewart and Jackson have proclaimed their innocence. But Stewart8217;s was a victimless crime, and prison gave her a martyr8217;s garnish. Jackson stood accused of distasteful acts with boys; a couple of the jurors even believed he8217;d probably molested 8216;8216;somebody somewhere8230;8217;8217;

Stewart acknowledged that she came across as haughty and was not 8216;8216;the nicest person on Earth.8217;8217; If Jackson8217;s stock is not to plunge further, he had better drop the 8216;8216;who, me?8217;8217; hubris and listen to Jesse Jackson and Project Islamic Hope8217;s Najee Ali, who have said Jackson needs to wise up and get those boys out of his bedroom. As a Chicago Sun-Times headline read, 8216;8216;Congratulations, Michael, Now Please, Get Help.8217;8217;

Story continues below this ad

8226; The King Edward/ Wallis Simpson option: Jackson could just beat it. Did you see all those French flags his fans were waving outside the courthouse? The land that welcomed an ex-king of England would surely welcome the exiled King of Pop. He could shed Neverland, saying it now has too many unhappy memories not to mention unhappy cash flow and hike himself off to Old Europe, where he is still popular in a way he has ceased to be here.

8226; The OJ option: Not that we8217;re going to hear about Jackson pledging to find the real molester. Simpson8217;s acquittal put him back in the black 8212; into the embracing fold of African Americans. Jackson, whose mirror has been telling him that he is the fairest one of all, has for a long time been a stand-up guy at black entertainment events and has written checks to African causes. Jesse Jackson remarked that neither he nor the singer believed that the prosecution8217;s motives were racial. Yet, grandiosely, Jackson8217;s website ranks his acquittal date among such historic events as 8216;8216;Martin Luther King is born8217;8217; and 8216;8216;Nelson Mandela is freed.8217;8217;

8226; The Donna Rice/ Monica Lewinsky option: The woman in Gary Hart8217;s lap and the woman who fiddled with Bill Clinon8217;s lap both managed to cash in on infamy. Rice endorsed 8216;8216;No Excuses8217;8217; jeans, and Lewinsky became a poster girl for Jenny Craig. Don8217;t go naked waiting for a Jackson clothing line prep schools already have a lock on that blazer-and-badge thing, nor for a Jackson 8216;8216;Jesus Juice8217;8217; bottled beverage. But there is that African animal theme park notion. He8217;s already got the livestock.

8226; The last-stop option: If ever you hear a voice saying 8216;8216;Michael Jackson to block,8217;8217; you8217;ll know that Jackson8217;s star is truly in eclipse, for he will have moved from Neverland to Never, Ever Again Land: 8216;8216;The Hollywood Squares.8217;8217;

LA Times-Washington Post