Grooming them young

But increasingly, rumors escaped from the kids8217; camp that they were telling each other that oral sex was a way to maintain technical virginity. That it was a way to prevent pregnancy. That it was a way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. That it wasn8217;t really sex.

We still didn8217;t know for sure how many kids were having oral sex, but what we were hearing made us nervous. Now we know.

New data derived from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth shows oral sex is, in fact, more common than sexual intercourse.

According to data collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, just over half of teens age 15 to 19 have had oral sex 8212; boys and girls are equally as likely to have done so 8212; and a quarter of teens age 15 to 19 who have not had sexual intercourse have engaged in this intimate act. And it isn8217;t just other people8217;s children.

8220;We found that, among teens who did not have sexual intercourse, white teens and teens whose parents had higher education and income levels were the most likely to have engaged in oral sex,8221; said Jennifer Manlove, who directs research on fertility and family structure at the think tank Child Trends.

Also, among teens who have had sex, more than 80 per cent say they have also had oral sex. If the numbers are chilling, the reasoning is more so. Among those teens who say they have not had sexual intercourse because they have not met the right person, 31 pc of girls and 26 pc of boys have had oral sex. Of those who say they have not had sexual intercourse because it is against their morals or their religion, one in five has had oral sex.

And of those who say they have not had sex because they were afraid of contracting an STD, more than 25 pc have had oral sex.

The risk is that these teens, who consider themselves virgins but who engage in oral gratification, might not realize how vulnerable they are to sexually transmitted infections, including HIV.

8220;The news is probably not as bad as adults might have been led to believe,8221; said Sara Brown, director of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, which celebrated the achievement of a goal set 10 years ago at its inception 8212; a 30 pc reduction in the teen birth rate.

8220;But the news is likely not as good as most parents might wish,8221; she said.

If parents were having a tough time talking to their kids about the mechanics and the morality of traditional sexual intercourse, you can imagine how difficult is it going to be for us to address this topic.

8220;Parents freely admit this makes them squeamish,8221; said Bill Albert, director of communications for the National Campaign. 8220;They don8217;t want to enter into this particular lexicon of words.8221;

And it makes parents dizzy. We are beginning to realize that our children are operating on a different intimacy continuum. An act that we might have rated at the highest level of trust and intimacy has traded places with the snagging of a locker loop among our children.

8220;They are running the bases backward,8221; said Albert, trying a baseball analogy. 8220;Things that parents might think would happen in the dugout after the bases have been rounded are now happening in the on-deck circle.8221;

The fact is, our kids don8217;t associate oral gratification with any kind of emotional commitment. It isn8217;t intimacy, it is a party game. 8220;This is a key violation for parents,8221; said Albert. And it isn8217;t any good for the kids, either.

If a 14-year-old girl goes right from thinking that boys are gross to performing oral sex on one, she might need the comfort of her stuffed animals until she is 39. If a 15-year-old boy, who can8217;t bring himself to speak to a girl in the hall at school, is expected to engage her in this act of incredible intimacy, his brain might explode.

We have to say that out loud to our children. Then we have to tell them we want them to wait, and that there are all sorts of reasons why they should.

LAT-WP