Grading the Oscar speeches

It was a little hard to concentrate on what they were saying, what with that annoying, white-noise orchestral music playing under everything...

It was a little hard to concentrate on what they were saying, what with that annoying, white-noise orchestral music playing under everything 8230; but here8217;s the skinny on the performances from the podium.

8226; GEORGE CLOONEY: Self-effacing as always dug the 8220;All right, so I8217;m not winning director8221; opening line, Clooney was gracious, though a tad smug. Yes, the academy gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939. The next black winner? An honorary Oscar for the guy who played Uncle Remus in Disney8217;s 8220;Song of the South.8221;

It took 24 years for another black to win an acting award Sidney Poitier and another 20 years for another black actor to win Louis Gossett Jr.. So hold the self-congratulatory talk about a progressive academy, OK?

8226; B-JORDAN HOUSTON, CEDRIC COLEMAN AND PAUL BEAUREGARD: Whassup, academy?!?! Fantastic if only for its freshness, spontaneity, incongruity and bleepability, and the fact that these were the first Oscar winners to take the stage wearing throwback jerseys, sneakers and bling-studded teeth.

8226; B-PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN: Name-checks mom, other nominees, Van Morrison. Really, really loves Capote filmmakers. Fails to make good on promise to David Letterman to bark like a dog during his entire speech.

8226; C-REESE WITHERSPOON: Sports the biggest thank-you list of any winner, but tedium alleviated by her radiance and the heartfelt shout-out to mom and dad. 8220;It didn8217;t matter if I was making a bed or making a movie, they never hesitated to tell me how proud they were of me,8221; she said.

8226; B-PAUL HAGGIS AND BOBBY MORESCO: Winners for original screenplay for Crash, Haggis who won another Oscar as one of the film8217;s producers nervously thanked supporters and applauded people who silently stand up for peace and justice.

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Moresco? Well, we8217;ll never know because the show8217;s producers never let him speak. All we saw was Charlize Theron8217;s jaw hit the floor, reacting to this classless bit of timekeeping.

8226; B-NICK PARK AND STEVE BOX: We don8217;t really remember anything the Wallace 038; Gromit filmmakers said, but we loved their striped bow ties and the matching neck wear they fastened on their Oscars. 8212; NYT