A moronic gas-guzzling republic

In my next life, I want to be Tom DeLay, the House majority leader. Yes, I want to get almost the entire Republican side of the House of Rep...

In my next life, I want to be Tom DeLay, the House majority leader. Yes, I want to get almost the entire Republican side of the House of Representatives to bend its ethics rules just for me. I want to be able to twist the arms of House Republicans to repeal a rule that automatically requires party leaders to step down if they are indicted on a felony charge8212;something a Texas prosecutor is considering doing to DeLay because of corruption allegations.

But most of all, I want to have the gall to sully American democracy at a time when young American soldiers are fighting in Iraq so we can enjoy a law-based society here and, maybe, extend it to others. Yes, I want to be Tom DeLay. I want to wear a little American flag on my lapel in solidarity with the troops, while I besmirch every value they are dying for.

If I can8217;t be Tom DeLay, then I want to be one of the gutless Republican House members. At a time when 180 of the 211 members of the 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit in Iraq who have been wounded in combat have insisted on returning to duty, I want to look my constituents and my kids in the eye and tell them that I voted to empty the House ethics rules because I was afraid of Tom DeLay.

I want to be any American college or professional athlete. For a mere dunk of the basketball or first-down run, I want to be able to dance a jig, as if I8217;d just broken every record by Michael Jordan or Johnny Unitas. I want to be able to fight on the court, off the court, in the stands and on the sidelines. I want to respect no boundaries and no norms. And when I make your kids cry, I want to be able to tell you to just 8216;8216;chill8217;8217;8212;that my coach says 8216;8216;stuff happens8217;8217; and that my union rep is appealing my punishment in the name of the Bill of Rights and the Magna Carta. Yes, in my next life, I want to be The Man.

If I can8217;t be The Man, then I at least want to be the owner of a Hummer8212;with American flag decals all over the back bumper, because Hummer owners are, on average, a little more patriotic than you and me.

Yes, I want to drive the mother of all gas-guzzlers that gets so little mileage you have to drive from gas station to gas station. Yes, I want to drive my Hummer and never have to think that by consuming so much oil, I am making transfer payments to the worst Arab regimes that transfer money to Islamic charities that transfer money to madarsas that teach children intolerance, anti-pluralism and how to hate the infidels.

And when one day one of those madarsa graduates goes off and joins the jihad in Falluja and kills my neighbour8217;s son, who is in the US Army Rangers, I want to drive to his funeral in my Hummer. Yes, I want to curse his killers in front of his mother and wail aloud, 8216;8216;If there was only something I could do8217;8217;. And then I want to drive home in my Hummer, stopping at two gas stations along the way.

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If I can8217;t be any of these, then I want to be just a simple blue-state red-state American. I want to take time on this Thanksgiving to thank God I live in a country where, despite so much rampant selfishness, the public schools still manage to produce young men and women ready to voluntarily risk their lives in places like Iraq and Afghanistan to spread the opportunity of freedom and to protect my own. And I want to thank them for doing this, even though on so many days in so many ways we really don8217;t deserve them.

The New York Times