The Cheetahs are coming

Lion: (Roaring) We Indian loins have been grossly insulted! Kuno was being customised for our extended families, and now this! We’re crammed in Gir (National Park, Gujarat) – more than 600 of us: it’s like living in a chawl or tenement! We’re being forced to eat buffelow! Is this how you treat the King of Beasts? You’ve seen what COVID has done when people congregate. Your children are free to go abroad to study and work – and do brilliantly because they’re no longer strangulated by the system – but we can’t put a paw out of Gir for a sniff of fresh air! And now you’ve gone and handed

Kuno over to cheetahs: Those effeminate kajal-wearing creatures that can only run fast for 30 seconds?

Tiger: Bah: Loinji may think he is the King of Beasts, but I’m the national animal so kindly prostrate yourself or be deemed
forever anti-national! This is a deep-rooted conspiracy to get rid of us tigers! They’ll now say, see the cheetah went extinct
and we brought it back! We could do the same with tigers: they can go extinct too, bang-bang, and we’ll import cheap
versions from China where tigers are farmed en masse. Then, you’ll have ‘Made in China’ tigers roaming around Ranthambore and Corbett!

DIJ: It’s been said that the ecosystem of Kuno is not right for cheetahs: they like open savannahs and grasslands, not dry deciduous forests…

Lion (looking interested): You mean if the cheetahs run the way you people drive, they’ll be crashing headfirst into trees
at 120 kmph? That should be spectacular and will surely go viral on social media; not to mention easy pickings! [Licks his
chops and drools.]

Leopard (eyes glinting): You morons haven’t a clue as to what’s really going to happen! Why do you think the govmant
is ramming all these expressways and elevated roads through the national parks and sanctuaries? Yes, so the cheetahs can
race up and down them at 120 kmph chased by political bigwigs and Bollywood hot shots in SUVs trying to bop them
off! Can you imagine what a bindaas chase scene that would make! (Snarls)

DIJ: It’s also being said that the main prey of the cheetah – the blackbuck – is no longer to be found in Kuno, nor their substitute, the chinkara, that is declining. So what will these cheetahs hunt?

Lion: Who gives a damn! They can chase rabbits! The point is that – they are aliens! You people call those who have livedin this country for decades, aliens, and want to throw them out, yet you happily invite these ‘firangi pseudo-billis’ for
permanent residency?

DIJ: Gentlemen, gentlemen! We have a long-distance caller from the Serengeti (National Park, Africa): a prospective immigrant cheetah called Ferrari-Upepo. His name means, Ferrari-Wind! Welcome to the show. Tell us, how do you feel about your proposed re-location to India?

Ferrari: A little nervous, yet gung-ho at the same time, but then we’ve always been highly strung…

DIJ: Gung-ho – that’s good to know. How so?

Lion: (interrupting): Yeah, pretty boy, tell us!

Upepo: Grow a proper beard kitty, then I’ll talk to you…

Gung-ho, because it’ll be like the reunification of India and
Africa!

Lion (Roaring): You dare insult us, Indian loins?

Tiger: Bah: Do you know there hasn’t been a single man- eating cheetah in all of history? And that they had been tamed? (Spits)

Upepo: Buddy, my first name may be Ferrari but I can outgun one: 0-100 kmph in less than three seconds! Match that! It
takes you five minutes to even yawn!

All three Indian big cats: Yes, but you run out of gas in 30 seconds and can’t even eat for half-an-hour afterwards.

Upepo: (smugly) I believe they want to train us as sprinters for the next Olympics… We’re sure to win gold medals galore
and then be feted by one and all!

Tiger: (shaking its head): So wet behind the ears, still! Do you know what is going to happen: you arrive in Kuno and there
will be 50,000 hysterical unmasked oglers hounding your every twitch, gheraoing you with Gypsies, demanding selfies!
Try making out with your missus in those conditions: Like having your honeymoon on the pitch at a full-capacity Eden
Gardens!

Upepo: (Looking around nervously): Heck, there’s a Land- Rover approaching with dudes armed with tranquillizer guns; they’re coming to take me to India! (He vanishes)

DIJ: Don’t worry gentlemen. He’ll be out of gas in 30 seconds and they’ll have the drones up with GPS: he has no chance! Now make him feel welcome!