Down in Jungleland: Darn Darwin

We think he is absolutely correct. We would be hugely insulted if this were true. Indeed, our sentiments would be badly hurt and we would be compelled to come out on the streets and throw stones. This may be the age of instant gratification but not so instant that you see an ape turn into a man immediately.
Of course not, but in the fullness of time…

Tell me, which self-respecting, right-minded ape (our dear cousins) would want to change into a man in the first place? Please get your basic fundas right before asking silly questions. As it is, some of the apes — those neurotic chimpanzees, for example — have picked up bad habits from you; like throwing stones and going to war with each other. (Thankfully, we also have those sweet bonobos who believe every day is Valentine’s Day). But which self-respecting ape would torture its own, bomb them till kingdom come, pollute the air, sully the water, poison the earth the way you do? We are happy as we are — swinging from trees and living happily with our families.

Wait a minute. I walk on the Ridge in Delhi every evening and have seen how violent you guys can get.

From whom do you think we picked up these habits? We go into battle when there’s a territorial infringement, not like you who assault someone because you jumped a red light and crashed into him.

So you too think Darwin was wrong?

Of course. You didn’t descend from us: hai-hai, god forbid, To think we could be responsible for such a legacy! We’d have to bow our heads in shame!

So man — and all you guys — just appeared suddenly out of thin air?

Sigh. Alas, thousands of years ago, it appears that we shared a common ancestor (this is very difficult to live down, let alone admit). Some of its descendants decided to live on the ground (perhaps because there was global warming and the trees disappeared and turned into grasslands) and learned how to walk. Others — like us and the apes — stayed happily up in whatever trees remained, where we still are: Quite happy.

What do you mean we shared a common ancestor?

Alas, yes we did. But wait — it gets worse. Go back enough in time and it appears we all shared common ancestors at one point of time or the other. For example, cockroaches and humans (and monkeys) shared a common ancestor as did tapeworms and all of us: slugs and snails and maybe even puppy dog tails!

What do you think happened after this um…common ancestor thing?

Well, it appears we went our own ways, depending on what lifestyle suited us and the conditions we thrived on best. Sir, don’t look so upset. We can hardly be responsible for all our relatives. I have a third cousin who lives in South Block and every morning he enters a minister’s office (I am not at liberty to divulge which one) and sits in his chair and drinks his tender coconut water before the minister gets there — he gets his kicks from that, can you imagine!

Suppose, hundreds of years ago, someone from the family you came from settled in America. Today their descendants would belong to the American species , while you, who have stayed here, are Indian — a completely different animal, if you know what I mean.

So Darwin was right after all?

It appears so, but he may not be for very long if current trends continue.

What do you mean?

Go and stand outside the monkeys’ cages at the zoo. All those jobless, feral young men standing there, mimicking us: they just might suddenly all sprout tails and start leaping for the trees. Even now, you can’t often tell whether the monkeys are inside the cages or outside. While no human might have seen an ape turn into a man, it may not be long before we see a man turn into a monkey! And then where would we simians be?

Ranjit Lal is an author, environmentalist and bird watcher.