Why Kangna, Why?

We don’t even really know each other. At best we’ve exchanged a few ‘I spot you- she looks familiar’ vacant social smiles at events. I think once we did have a conversation — but it was very random and very tired — in an airplane when we were both on our way back from Hong Kong/ Macau. To be honest, the conversation didn’t really leave any impression on me and I’m sure it must have been the same for you. But hey, now that I rejig my memory, I was actually quite nice to you.

Remember when you almost dropped the award statuette you had won in Macau? Who was it that rescued it? Ding Dong!! It was I.

So then why so mean, ya Kangna?

Just what business did you have making me meet myself in a darkened theatre? Who gave you the right to display my life and its messes so brilliantly on screen for the entire world to gawk at it, in Queen? You had no right to mock my heartbreak, my issues of low self-esteem, utter confusion, heartbreak, despair, heartbreak, under confidence, depression, awkward dance movements, heartbreak on screen. And then there was the Eiffel Tower moment. And like you met Roxette in Amsterdam, I met Sasha. You had to go ahead and steal that too, right? And hello, did you film me in that nightclub in London where I too tucked my sweater in my handbag? My nani had sent it for me so I had to protect it but what was your excuse? And did you read my personal journal to know how my travels transformed-healed-cleansed-elevated me? How a new place, its landscape, its people (now my friends) and food saved my life? To think you would put all this — such personal stuff — in your movie just to make it a hit? Like. Seriously.

I’m sure everyone has told you how good you were in Queen. Bet you are making the most of your Matthew McConaughey moment. Like he is enjoying his McConaissance, you my dear (whatever!!) girl are in the midst of your McRanaussance. So make the most of it. Just don’t lose yourself again, okay? I’m not so petty that I will hold this against you even though you stole so much of my life’s story for your movie. I’m just venting. Sure you wouldn’t mind it. As every Queen knows it: closure is an important step of healing. Now that we’ve had this conversation, I’m at peace.

And yeah, in case, I wasn’t clear enough: you were very good in Queen. I think we can be friends. Just don’t mind if I send you a legal notice for copyright infringement of my life. And you too director Vikas Bahl.

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